To My Nephews:
Although I have no experience being either a man or a parent there are a few things I know through both my own experiences as a daughter and watch the behaviors of others. It is with this knowledge I am able to share with you the following life lesson. It is my hope that all of you will be fathers on day and I know in my heart you will be great ones. There are just a few things I hope you keep in mind as you do.
1. It doesn't matter if your child is three or 30 when you are not there it makes a big impact. That means everything big and small. As a child grows older they understand that you are not able to make it all the time because they understand what life is. However, try to make it to as many of their extra curricular activities as possible. Make sure to do everything possible to make it to all the big events of their lives (graduation, weddings, the big award, etc.) the hole in the heart that gets left when you don't show up stays forever. Also chase your dreams but if your dreams take you far away from your children do your best to minimize the impact of them.
2. If you and their mother are not together don't put their mother down especially in front of them. Your relationship with their mother is your business don't make it theirs. Respect each other and do the best you can. This applies if you are together as well.
3. Don't put your children down or make them feel ashamed of themselves. Jokingly or not they look up to you and what you say matters. They will always remember the little things even if you forget them. Embarrassment or constant scolding (more than appropriate) will not only impact their self esteem but it will cause a separation between you that is hard to repair.
4. If you and their mother are not together don't force your new relationships on them. I encourage you to move on if the relationship with their mother didn't work but don't try to make your new girlfriend or wife their new mommy. Let the relationship develop on its own. Trying to force the new woman in your life on them might work at first but it can lead to resentment. They have a mother and trying to replace her with the new person you are with can create confusion and is disrespectful to the woman who is doing her best just like you to raise the child you created together. It is also important to remember in this situation that it is possible for your child to think you like your new girlfriend/wife and any family you may have with her more than you like them. Try your best not to do anything that lends credibility to this thought but don't let your child dictate your relationships. Yes I know easier said than done but I have faith in you guys.
5. Don't play favorites. If you have more than one child there will be points in life you are getting along better with one over the other. It is when you make decisions (conscious or unconscious) to always make a larger effort to do things for one of your children. It hurts when you always go to one child's extra curricular activities and your other child has to beg you to attend theirs. It hurts when one child gets everything they wanted for Christmas and the other child gets a random toy because you weren't paying attention. This doesn't end when they turn 18. Don't go to one child's wedding and not the other. Don't always go visit one child but make the other come to you. Try your best to call them both equally.
6. Love them no matter what path they choose in life. This does not mean condoning bad behavior. Tough love may be necessary but it is still a form of love. This means if they are gay and you don't approve find a way to talk about it and make sure they know that just because you don't approve doesn't mean you don't love them. If they have a hard path of addiction or criminal behavior you have to intervene (safely) and continue to hold them accountable but don't abandon them. If they change their behavior (truly change) it will be because you never left and always loved them even when it was hard. If they choose to follow a dream that you wouldn't do because it offers nothing better than a life of instability share with them your fears but support them along the way. Children want nothing more at any age than to have their parents love make sure you always have it there for them.
7. Don't ever miss an opportunity to do something fun with them. Special one on one father/child time is the stuff they will always remember so do it as often as possible. Don't let anyone try to invite themselves on your special time. It is yours, protect it. Act like a child with them even if it makes you look silly. This time will one day become a story that is told to others so make it a good one.
I know this doesn't cover everything but there is a lot you will have to learn on your own. I love you boys so much and I can't wait to see what life brings for you!
Love,
Auntie Barbara
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