One thing that has always been very clear to me is the importance of family. I have not had the types of relationships I have wanted in my family over the years and that is part of what has made putting family at the top of my list. Up until recently it has always been easier to blame others for troubled family relationships because (at least for me) I hate to admit when I am wrong. So after much thought and self searching I decided to attempt to mend a relationship in my life. This was a big and scary decision for me for a few reasons. One, I would have to take responsibility for poor behavior not just in front of other people but really own it in myself. Two, I would have to be open-minded and ask for feedback not just in the moment but take it as part of an ongoing commitment to others. Finally, I would have to be willing to put what is important to others first. I wanted my decision and conversation to be authentic so I didn't tell anyone I was having it which made going through with it that much harder. I caught myself falling into old behavior a few times by trying to find reasons and ways to get out of it. I am happy to say that I was able to stay in my commitment and I completed the conversation. I learned a lot in just a twenty minute phone call more so than I thought I could have. I wish this was something I had done a long time ago and wish that I could have been more eloquent during the conversation. Either way I think that I was heard and there is a really good starting point for a future of respect, understanding and support. I know that life can be complicated and relationships can be hard but one key thing I will take away from today is never underestimating the power a direct, honest and loving conversation can have. I do really appreciate the other person being willing enough to have the conversation because I can't imagine what they must have felt leading up to it. I know their strength and dedication to family is even more than I thought and I have great respect for them through that.
Here is to a new beginning!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The Odd Life...
Not too long ago Jay and I decided to watch The Odd Life of Timothy Green. It was one of those movies that can really touch you especially if you are or have experienced the things the main characters have. If you have yet to see this movie and are planning on it you may not want to read on (spoiler alert).
I started crying almost immediately because the movie starts in an adoption pre-approval court and here is this completely average couple about to try their best to make their dream of having a child come true. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jay will make an excellent father. He is hard working, smart, exciting, fun and a myriad of other positive adjectives. The fact that it is my fault we are having such a hard time conceiving and may have no other option but adoption heavies my heart.
When we see the main characters tell the case worker that they want to use the time to talk about Timothy which will in turn explain why they deserve to adopt a baby starting me crying and thinking about what I would even say in that situation. To have to be so transparent with another person who could for any reason decide your future regarding the thing you want the most in life is a very scary idea.
They start their story by telling the case working about the day they find out from their physician they will not be able to have children (after spending all of their money on different conception help). That night at home the husband tries to give his wife and himself closure by imagining and writing down the things and qualities their child would have. After some enjoyment by the wife doing this she has had enough and puts all the scrap paper in a box which they bury in the garden. If you haven't guessed by now I was crying again. Jay and I have done the same thing in the past even going as far as picking out names for a girl and a boy (JayLynn Holland Johnson and James Anthony Johnson respectively). It was at this point that I realized I haven't really gotten closure with our hard times.
We paused the movie to talk about everything at that time. Here is what it came down to. We have an amazing life together that includes many children. Even though they are not our biological children all the children in our life are treated as if they are our own. We have our 19 year old niece Taylor who I couldn't be more proud of. She is currently a student at Oregon State University and has without fail faced may things head on that would cripple others. We have our 17 year old step brother Jake who is not only a killer on lake sports but he is also my RPG buddy. We have our 13 year old nephew Karsten who besides being my lazer tag champ is one of the most respectful kids I have come across. We have our 12 year old cousin Seth who is a walking sports encyclopedia and has such a caring heart that I strive to be like him. Then there is our 12 year old niece Jewel who is my angel princess. She is beautiful, athletic and so energetic. After her is our 11 year old nephew Cameron who I has the sweetest smile and infectious laugh. We have our 10 year old nephew Brandon who is the sweet and shy type with an amazing mind. Don't go anywhere we are not even halfway through the list yet. There is our 10 year old niece Sophia who is already a classic beauty and also so very refined (I sometimes feel she would fit in better at the royal palace than Princess Diana did). Then is our 9 year old niece Lydia an artist with an imagination that can't be beaten. Next comes our 9 year old nephew Max who can make friends with anyone you put in front of him and has the type of smile that can get him out of anything. Our 9 year old step sister Kyra who is always up for going outside to create an adventure and brings the sunshine to any rainy day. Then our 6 year old nephew Carter who can tell a story with just a few words and can make you laugh with just a look. We are getting close to the end but not quite. Next is our 5 year old nephew Shaun. He has such an array of talents that I think he could succeed at anything plus he is insistent on buying me a house, car, jewelry and everything else so that can't be bad. After him comes our 4 year old nephew Seth who has super awesome dance skills and can laugh at anything. Finally comes our 3 year old niece Adelyn. How can I describe the littlest one in our family? Simple she is strong, adventurous, smart and determined.
So as you can see our having a life that involves a child has been fulfilled more times than just the one we had hoped for. If we don't ever get a child to call our own it wouldn't matter much because we have so many we get to enjoy already. I still do want to add one of our own to this list of amazing little people but I will never take the ones I have already for granted. I hope one day I can have even a third of the qualities I have listed above. I love you all and will always be here for you all.
I started crying almost immediately because the movie starts in an adoption pre-approval court and here is this completely average couple about to try their best to make their dream of having a child come true. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jay will make an excellent father. He is hard working, smart, exciting, fun and a myriad of other positive adjectives. The fact that it is my fault we are having such a hard time conceiving and may have no other option but adoption heavies my heart.
When we see the main characters tell the case worker that they want to use the time to talk about Timothy which will in turn explain why they deserve to adopt a baby starting me crying and thinking about what I would even say in that situation. To have to be so transparent with another person who could for any reason decide your future regarding the thing you want the most in life is a very scary idea.
They start their story by telling the case working about the day they find out from their physician they will not be able to have children (after spending all of their money on different conception help). That night at home the husband tries to give his wife and himself closure by imagining and writing down the things and qualities their child would have. After some enjoyment by the wife doing this she has had enough and puts all the scrap paper in a box which they bury in the garden. If you haven't guessed by now I was crying again. Jay and I have done the same thing in the past even going as far as picking out names for a girl and a boy (JayLynn Holland Johnson and James Anthony Johnson respectively). It was at this point that I realized I haven't really gotten closure with our hard times.
We paused the movie to talk about everything at that time. Here is what it came down to. We have an amazing life together that includes many children. Even though they are not our biological children all the children in our life are treated as if they are our own. We have our 19 year old niece Taylor who I couldn't be more proud of. She is currently a student at Oregon State University and has without fail faced may things head on that would cripple others. We have our 17 year old step brother Jake who is not only a killer on lake sports but he is also my RPG buddy. We have our 13 year old nephew Karsten who besides being my lazer tag champ is one of the most respectful kids I have come across. We have our 12 year old cousin Seth who is a walking sports encyclopedia and has such a caring heart that I strive to be like him. Then there is our 12 year old niece Jewel who is my angel princess. She is beautiful, athletic and so energetic. After her is our 11 year old nephew Cameron who I has the sweetest smile and infectious laugh. We have our 10 year old nephew Brandon who is the sweet and shy type with an amazing mind. Don't go anywhere we are not even halfway through the list yet. There is our 10 year old niece Sophia who is already a classic beauty and also so very refined (I sometimes feel she would fit in better at the royal palace than Princess Diana did). Then is our 9 year old niece Lydia an artist with an imagination that can't be beaten. Next comes our 9 year old nephew Max who can make friends with anyone you put in front of him and has the type of smile that can get him out of anything. Our 9 year old step sister Kyra who is always up for going outside to create an adventure and brings the sunshine to any rainy day. Then our 6 year old nephew Carter who can tell a story with just a few words and can make you laugh with just a look. We are getting close to the end but not quite. Next is our 5 year old nephew Shaun. He has such an array of talents that I think he could succeed at anything plus he is insistent on buying me a house, car, jewelry and everything else so that can't be bad. After him comes our 4 year old nephew Seth who has super awesome dance skills and can laugh at anything. Finally comes our 3 year old niece Adelyn. How can I describe the littlest one in our family? Simple she is strong, adventurous, smart and determined.
So as you can see our having a life that involves a child has been fulfilled more times than just the one we had hoped for. If we don't ever get a child to call our own it wouldn't matter much because we have so many we get to enjoy already. I still do want to add one of our own to this list of amazing little people but I will never take the ones I have already for granted. I hope one day I can have even a third of the qualities I have listed above. I love you all and will always be here for you all.
Seattle - Rehab Concert 5/17/13
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| Water park on the drive to Seattle! |
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| Our room at the Marqueen Hotel (built in the 1920's). |
The kitchen in our hotel room.
The beautiful bathroom in our hotel room.
The stair case to our hotel room.
Pike's Place Market - Miniature Car Dealer.
Cool Coca-Cola collection at the Miniature Car Dealer.
Perfect find for our penguin collection found at Pike's Place Market.
The Space Needle!
Kissing the hubby on the top of the Space Needle.
Beautiful architecture from the top of the Space Needle.
Part of our 360 degree view.
Another part of the view.
Amazing view of the water.
Downtown view.
Our touristy Space Needle picture.
Chihuly glass exhibit.
Chihuly glass exhibit if this isn't impressing you I don't know what will.
I love the detail Chihuly is able to achieve.
More art with the hubby.
Dinner bread basket at John Howie's Steak (dinner for 2 is about $150 but it is a must go).
Our amuse bouche from the chef.
Appetizers and yes Jay tried the foie gras and the pate.
Jay's prime rib.
My salad.
BNMC before Rehab.
Rehab!
Safco Field.
Century Link Field.
If we stayed one more night Jay wanted to go here (maybe next time).
Jay's must stop and see.
Loved the trip and look forward to may more!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Lessons 101: Self-Centered
To My Nieces:
You are the most amazing bunch of princesses an aunt could ever have. You are all so beautiful, talented and wonderfully unique. This comes from a friend telling me I was "other-centered" and as I am told by the same friend means the opposite of self-centered. I could get into a long conversation around that last sentence but we will save that for another time. As I have been watching you all grow and trying to take part in your lives as much as possible I have been proud of the character you all have. As we journey through life we run across many different types of people and sometimes we can become like them. So let me tell you about the self-centered person.
Self-Centered Characteristics
Love You All,
Auntie Barbara
You are the most amazing bunch of princesses an aunt could ever have. You are all so beautiful, talented and wonderfully unique. This comes from a friend telling me I was "other-centered" and as I am told by the same friend means the opposite of self-centered. I could get into a long conversation around that last sentence but we will save that for another time. As I have been watching you all grow and trying to take part in your lives as much as possible I have been proud of the character you all have. As we journey through life we run across many different types of people and sometimes we can become like them. So let me tell you about the self-centered person.
Self-Centered Characteristics
- Puts themselves first
- Only caring about their own wants and needs
- Being unable to see another's perspective
- Being uncaring to others
- Lying or manipulating to get their own way or make things work out in their favor
- Are arrogant and will go to any measure to protect their self-image
- Their friendships are superficial and those who will feed their egos
- They devalue others and put them at a lesser position
- They blame others and do not take accountability
- They maximize their contributions and minimize that of others
Love You All,
Auntie Barbara
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Lessons 101: Being A Dad
To My Nephews:
Although I have no experience being either a man or a parent there are a few things I know through both my own experiences as a daughter and watch the behaviors of others. It is with this knowledge I am able to share with you the following life lesson. It is my hope that all of you will be fathers on day and I know in my heart you will be great ones. There are just a few things I hope you keep in mind as you do.
1. It doesn't matter if your child is three or 30 when you are not there it makes a big impact. That means everything big and small. As a child grows older they understand that you are not able to make it all the time because they understand what life is. However, try to make it to as many of their extra curricular activities as possible. Make sure to do everything possible to make it to all the big events of their lives (graduation, weddings, the big award, etc.) the hole in the heart that gets left when you don't show up stays forever. Also chase your dreams but if your dreams take you far away from your children do your best to minimize the impact of them.
2. If you and their mother are not together don't put their mother down especially in front of them. Your relationship with their mother is your business don't make it theirs. Respect each other and do the best you can. This applies if you are together as well.
3. Don't put your children down or make them feel ashamed of themselves. Jokingly or not they look up to you and what you say matters. They will always remember the little things even if you forget them. Embarrassment or constant scolding (more than appropriate) will not only impact their self esteem but it will cause a separation between you that is hard to repair.
4. If you and their mother are not together don't force your new relationships on them. I encourage you to move on if the relationship with their mother didn't work but don't try to make your new girlfriend or wife their new mommy. Let the relationship develop on its own. Trying to force the new woman in your life on them might work at first but it can lead to resentment. They have a mother and trying to replace her with the new person you are with can create confusion and is disrespectful to the woman who is doing her best just like you to raise the child you created together. It is also important to remember in this situation that it is possible for your child to think you like your new girlfriend/wife and any family you may have with her more than you like them. Try your best not to do anything that lends credibility to this thought but don't let your child dictate your relationships. Yes I know easier said than done but I have faith in you guys.
5. Don't play favorites. If you have more than one child there will be points in life you are getting along better with one over the other. It is when you make decisions (conscious or unconscious) to always make a larger effort to do things for one of your children. It hurts when you always go to one child's extra curricular activities and your other child has to beg you to attend theirs. It hurts when one child gets everything they wanted for Christmas and the other child gets a random toy because you weren't paying attention. This doesn't end when they turn 18. Don't go to one child's wedding and not the other. Don't always go visit one child but make the other come to you. Try your best to call them both equally.
6. Love them no matter what path they choose in life. This does not mean condoning bad behavior. Tough love may be necessary but it is still a form of love. This means if they are gay and you don't approve find a way to talk about it and make sure they know that just because you don't approve doesn't mean you don't love them. If they have a hard path of addiction or criminal behavior you have to intervene (safely) and continue to hold them accountable but don't abandon them. If they change their behavior (truly change) it will be because you never left and always loved them even when it was hard. If they choose to follow a dream that you wouldn't do because it offers nothing better than a life of instability share with them your fears but support them along the way. Children want nothing more at any age than to have their parents love make sure you always have it there for them.
7. Don't ever miss an opportunity to do something fun with them. Special one on one father/child time is the stuff they will always remember so do it as often as possible. Don't let anyone try to invite themselves on your special time. It is yours, protect it. Act like a child with them even if it makes you look silly. This time will one day become a story that is told to others so make it a good one.
I know this doesn't cover everything but there is a lot you will have to learn on your own. I love you boys so much and I can't wait to see what life brings for you!
Love,
Auntie Barbara
Although I have no experience being either a man or a parent there are a few things I know through both my own experiences as a daughter and watch the behaviors of others. It is with this knowledge I am able to share with you the following life lesson. It is my hope that all of you will be fathers on day and I know in my heart you will be great ones. There are just a few things I hope you keep in mind as you do.
1. It doesn't matter if your child is three or 30 when you are not there it makes a big impact. That means everything big and small. As a child grows older they understand that you are not able to make it all the time because they understand what life is. However, try to make it to as many of their extra curricular activities as possible. Make sure to do everything possible to make it to all the big events of their lives (graduation, weddings, the big award, etc.) the hole in the heart that gets left when you don't show up stays forever. Also chase your dreams but if your dreams take you far away from your children do your best to minimize the impact of them.
2. If you and their mother are not together don't put their mother down especially in front of them. Your relationship with their mother is your business don't make it theirs. Respect each other and do the best you can. This applies if you are together as well.
3. Don't put your children down or make them feel ashamed of themselves. Jokingly or not they look up to you and what you say matters. They will always remember the little things even if you forget them. Embarrassment or constant scolding (more than appropriate) will not only impact their self esteem but it will cause a separation between you that is hard to repair.
4. If you and their mother are not together don't force your new relationships on them. I encourage you to move on if the relationship with their mother didn't work but don't try to make your new girlfriend or wife their new mommy. Let the relationship develop on its own. Trying to force the new woman in your life on them might work at first but it can lead to resentment. They have a mother and trying to replace her with the new person you are with can create confusion and is disrespectful to the woman who is doing her best just like you to raise the child you created together. It is also important to remember in this situation that it is possible for your child to think you like your new girlfriend/wife and any family you may have with her more than you like them. Try your best not to do anything that lends credibility to this thought but don't let your child dictate your relationships. Yes I know easier said than done but I have faith in you guys.
5. Don't play favorites. If you have more than one child there will be points in life you are getting along better with one over the other. It is when you make decisions (conscious or unconscious) to always make a larger effort to do things for one of your children. It hurts when you always go to one child's extra curricular activities and your other child has to beg you to attend theirs. It hurts when one child gets everything they wanted for Christmas and the other child gets a random toy because you weren't paying attention. This doesn't end when they turn 18. Don't go to one child's wedding and not the other. Don't always go visit one child but make the other come to you. Try your best to call them both equally.
6. Love them no matter what path they choose in life. This does not mean condoning bad behavior. Tough love may be necessary but it is still a form of love. This means if they are gay and you don't approve find a way to talk about it and make sure they know that just because you don't approve doesn't mean you don't love them. If they have a hard path of addiction or criminal behavior you have to intervene (safely) and continue to hold them accountable but don't abandon them. If they change their behavior (truly change) it will be because you never left and always loved them even when it was hard. If they choose to follow a dream that you wouldn't do because it offers nothing better than a life of instability share with them your fears but support them along the way. Children want nothing more at any age than to have their parents love make sure you always have it there for them.
7. Don't ever miss an opportunity to do something fun with them. Special one on one father/child time is the stuff they will always remember so do it as often as possible. Don't let anyone try to invite themselves on your special time. It is yours, protect it. Act like a child with them even if it makes you look silly. This time will one day become a story that is told to others so make it a good one.
I know this doesn't cover everything but there is a lot you will have to learn on your own. I love you boys so much and I can't wait to see what life brings for you!
Love,
Auntie Barbara
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