Why is it that when we experience joy we desire to hold selfishly onto that feeling? Imagining all the while that we and we alone should be the only ones to experience such elation. Why also when we experience pain do we want to share that feeling? Believing all others should know such crushing emotions. I don't have the answers to these questions I just know that I have experienced both these things. I have been the one walking at my graduation ceremony, head held high, proud of my accomplishment and for a brief moment thinking that the ceremony was mine and mine alone to enjoy. I have been the one to loss a third child, screaming in my head that it is not fair as I was being taken to surgery. Breaking down inside wanting the whole world to cry with me. It is easy to want to hold onto good things and desire to give away the bad.
What I have found out recently is that it is a lot harder to give away good things and let go of the bad. Here is where it gets interesting though. No matter how much harder this view is to act on it really does feel better and may even make the world a better place for others. Letting go to the bad doesn't have to be hard either. It can be scary and lets be honest what kind of adventure would life be without a little nervousness about the unknown? I don't have to hold onto negative opinions there is room for second chances. I don't have to hold a grudge there are beautiful things my energy can be spent on. Best of all. I can share the joy I have felt with others.
What's important to me today? Letting go of the past. Giving a second chance to myself and others. Supporting others finding their joy like I found mine.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Halloween 2012: Decorating
Halloween 2012
Why yes I am. Thank you for noticing!
I love this time of year! The air turns crisper, leaves change colors, comfort food surround us and I get to have all the decorating fun I want. So here is my Halloween decorating fun for the year.
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| My bookcase pumpkins! |
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| Front of the family pumpkin. |
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| Back of family pumpkin. |
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| Have to have purple! |
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| Hubby's Duck pumpkin. |
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| Talking pumpkin. |
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| Gold dots. |
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| Pumpkin art. |
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| Butterfly pumpkin. |
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| Spider web pumpkin. |
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| Silver dot pumpkin. |
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| Fall flowers. |
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| Jack-O-Lanterns! |
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| There are spiders on our wall. |
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| Table setting. |
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| Enter at your own risk. |
Sunday, October 7, 2012
That Feeling - Friday
You know that feeling you get that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, your heart beat hard in your chest and causes you to look wildly around for danger? Most of us of us do. We call it the heebie-jeebies, chicken skin, jimjams, willies and a wide variety of creative names. It usually happens after we have watched a scary movie or are alone in a creepy place. Sometimes running into a certain type of person can bring it on. Normally it will pass almost as fast as it came on or at least that had been my experience. Until today.
Today started out for me like any other. I woke up after hitting the snooze button twice. Each time coming up with reasons to justify why sleeping just five more minutes was okay. Finally getting out of bed I walked groggily to the bathroom while carefully avoiding my happy and hyper dog running circles around my feet. As I got ready I complained to myself about not being able to carpool with Jay to work, thought about how tired I was from studying all night and I wished with all my heart it was actually Saturday and not Friday. After grabbing my purse, phone, checking for car keys and getting Puppie's attention I started walking down the hallway to the front door. That's when it started. That feeling. It started right at the back of my neck and went down through my spine. I felt like I was being watched even though I knew I was alone. My heart started racing right along with my mind. I glanced around the house just to make sure I was alone and walked very quickly to the front door overpowered by the need to get out of the house. Once outside I calmed down a bit, resumed walking at a normal pace and felt a slight relief. It was strange though because usually by this point other than the adrenaline everything returns to normal and I beat myself up mentally for being so silly and scaring myself. This time that didn't happen. That feeling was still there.
Driving to work like this was one of the more interesting things I have done. I kept looking over at other cars to make sure there were people in them, that they were not filled zombies and I would keep glancing at the sky for any anomalies Of course none of the scary images I made up in my head ever became reality but the uneasiness stayed a constant the whole way. I am pretty good at creating things in my head that can scare me I blame this mostly on my weekly need to watch horror movies, my obsession with reading anything by Stephen King and the fact that I never grew out of my wild imagination. Even knowing all these quirks about myself didn't bring any relief but I was now just a few minutes away from work and the thought of being around a bunch of people I knew gave me some hope. As I got off the freeway at my exit I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A black shadow which was somewhat human formed right on the side of the off ramp. It appeared that it was about to jump into traffic right in front of me. I pushed down on my brakes and blinked in amazement that this was about to happen. In the split second that it takes to blink the dark shadow disappeared. By this point I had enough of my mind playing dirty little tricks on me. I sat at the stop light catching my breath while wondering momentarily if I had gone crazy overnight. Finally I pulled myself together and told me in a very firm voice that I will not allow myself to play tricks on myself. Yeah that didn't sound crazy at all. Once the light finally turned green I made the remaining drive to work in a sort of forced peace. It felt really good when I pulled in the driveway and saw my co-workers cars and it felt even better when I saw Jay's car. Grabbing everything I needed for work I locked my car and started walking to the office. Half way to the front door a cold breeze shot up my spine and tussled my hair. I glanced around seeing no one which was a relief it was what I didn't see that scared the shit out of me. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky a rarity here in Portland. The other rarity was not a tree rustled because there had not been a single breeze all morning. Just as I figured this out it took everything inside me not to bolt to the door and then a deep voice whispered something inaudible in my ear. I started running heals and all, there was nothing that could have stopped me after that. Only when I was safety inside the building staring at a rather concerned looking Diane did I collect myself, smiled a brief oh well look at her and made my way to my desk. Once in the comfort of my little corner of the marketing department I took a minute to bring myself back to reality by convincing myself for what seemed like the 100th time that day it was nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Right then Jay popped around the coroner and seeing my husbands handsome face made everything seem a little safer. Even with the safety of my husband at my side, being in my little cube and surrounded by friendly co-workers it just wouldn't go away. That feeling.
Today started out for me like any other. I woke up after hitting the snooze button twice. Each time coming up with reasons to justify why sleeping just five more minutes was okay. Finally getting out of bed I walked groggily to the bathroom while carefully avoiding my happy and hyper dog running circles around my feet. As I got ready I complained to myself about not being able to carpool with Jay to work, thought about how tired I was from studying all night and I wished with all my heart it was actually Saturday and not Friday. After grabbing my purse, phone, checking for car keys and getting Puppie's attention I started walking down the hallway to the front door. That's when it started. That feeling. It started right at the back of my neck and went down through my spine. I felt like I was being watched even though I knew I was alone. My heart started racing right along with my mind. I glanced around the house just to make sure I was alone and walked very quickly to the front door overpowered by the need to get out of the house. Once outside I calmed down a bit, resumed walking at a normal pace and felt a slight relief. It was strange though because usually by this point other than the adrenaline everything returns to normal and I beat myself up mentally for being so silly and scaring myself. This time that didn't happen. That feeling was still there.
Driving to work like this was one of the more interesting things I have done. I kept looking over at other cars to make sure there were people in them, that they were not filled zombies and I would keep glancing at the sky for any anomalies Of course none of the scary images I made up in my head ever became reality but the uneasiness stayed a constant the whole way. I am pretty good at creating things in my head that can scare me I blame this mostly on my weekly need to watch horror movies, my obsession with reading anything by Stephen King and the fact that I never grew out of my wild imagination. Even knowing all these quirks about myself didn't bring any relief but I was now just a few minutes away from work and the thought of being around a bunch of people I knew gave me some hope. As I got off the freeway at my exit I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A black shadow which was somewhat human formed right on the side of the off ramp. It appeared that it was about to jump into traffic right in front of me. I pushed down on my brakes and blinked in amazement that this was about to happen. In the split second that it takes to blink the dark shadow disappeared. By this point I had enough of my mind playing dirty little tricks on me. I sat at the stop light catching my breath while wondering momentarily if I had gone crazy overnight. Finally I pulled myself together and told me in a very firm voice that I will not allow myself to play tricks on myself. Yeah that didn't sound crazy at all. Once the light finally turned green I made the remaining drive to work in a sort of forced peace. It felt really good when I pulled in the driveway and saw my co-workers cars and it felt even better when I saw Jay's car. Grabbing everything I needed for work I locked my car and started walking to the office. Half way to the front door a cold breeze shot up my spine and tussled my hair. I glanced around seeing no one which was a relief it was what I didn't see that scared the shit out of me. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky a rarity here in Portland. The other rarity was not a tree rustled because there had not been a single breeze all morning. Just as I figured this out it took everything inside me not to bolt to the door and then a deep voice whispered something inaudible in my ear. I started running heals and all, there was nothing that could have stopped me after that. Only when I was safety inside the building staring at a rather concerned looking Diane did I collect myself, smiled a brief oh well look at her and made my way to my desk. Once in the comfort of my little corner of the marketing department I took a minute to bring myself back to reality by convincing myself for what seemed like the 100th time that day it was nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Right then Jay popped around the coroner and seeing my husbands handsome face made everything seem a little safer. Even with the safety of my husband at my side, being in my little cube and surrounded by friendly co-workers it just wouldn't go away. That feeling.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Bucket List
Do you have a bucket list?
When asked this question some people will say yes and some say no. However, most whether they have one or not will have at least one thing they dream of doing in life. I have heard answers ranging from "I want to watch the sun come up over the ocean" to "have a million dollars". Whatever is wanted is what really speaks to the persons heath through their desires. I have played with the concept of a bucket list in my time and have had a few things added to my list throughout the years.
Most recently I have had the opportunity of being able to almost cross off one of my long standing items. On October 30th I get to see Dr. Maya Angelou speak here in Portland. She has been a source of inspiration for me since I was just eight years old. Her talents astound me, her life inspires me and her messages resonate strongly with me. When the opportunity presented itself (after I stopped jumping with glee) I told a few people that I was going to see her and could now cross this off my bucket list.
As I told more people this I started thinking about what was really on my list and questions started to arise. Is there anything that is on there I don't really want any more? Is there anything to add? Then one question really stuck in my mind. How many things have I done in my life that should have been on the list but until I had experienced them wouldn't have made it? Funny thing is that my so called bucket list is significantly shorter than my experiences list and really spoke to how thankful I should be about my life.
Bucket List
- Travel to Scotland
- Travel to Ireland
- Obtain my Ph.D.
- Write a book
- See Dr. Maya Angelou speak
- Meet Stephen King
- See Stephen Hawking speak
- Visit my tribes reservation (Blackfoot Tribe, Browning, Montana)
- Drive a Skyline in Japan
- Travel to Moscow
- See a show on Broadway
- Have a baby
Life Experiences
- Attended Space Camp
- Been through a tornado
- Swam with dolphins
- Petted a shark in my back yard
- Learned to surf
- Owned horses
- Learned vaulting (horses)
- Trained polo horses
- Learned martial arts
- Played with a jazz band at Disney Land
- Learned many musical instruments
- Guested with an orchestra
- Spent a summer in Alaska
- Learned how to ride a motorcycle
- Moved 4,000 miles from home
- Maintained a 4.0 GPA in college
- Visited the Grand Canyon
- Spent summers at Neverland Ranch
- Went to a Super Bowl
- Had my own bodyguard
- Lived in the music celebrity circle
- Worked at a medical research facility complete with onsite learning of biology, chemistry, microfluidics, imaging, and radiochemistry
- Hosted a gala
- Vacationed at posh resorts
- Had a Tiffany's jewelry collection
- Watched my brother graduate from boot camp
- Toured the Sears tower
- Rode a train through Chicago
- Watched my nephew be born
- Got married
- Went on a honeymoon
- Drove from LA to Portland
- Went to a few professional baseball games
- Sat court side at a professional basketball game
- Flown a plane
- Flown in a private jet
- Rode an elephant
- Worked as a professional model
- Seen the Harlem Globe Trotters
- Went to many musicals (Cats, Phantom, Les Mis, Porgy & Bess, etc)
- Been on a movie set
- Been on a music video set
- Participated in recording an album
- Sailed on boats both in lakes and ocean
- Visited 14 states
- Received a scholarship
- Learned to snowboard
- Been to a professional soccer game
- Made over $1,000,000 in my life
- Had a best friend for 24 years
There is more but once I hit 50 I got the point. You can plan your life, pursue your dreams and work hard towards your goals and desires. Every once and a while stop for a moment. Take a breath. Look back on your life and realize all the things you would have missed if you didn't let life just happen sometimes. For me, I thought I had always known what I wanted my life to look like but what I know now is that I am glad it didn't work out that way.
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