It is amazing how much
can change over the course of 30 years. When my nieces and nephews as me what
it was like when I grew up I babble on for a few moments before I notice they
have no idea what I am talking about. I then try to explain things piece by piece
but we usually get stuck on one thing because of all the who, what, when, where
and why's. Goodness those "whys" get you don't they. I tell them I
grew up before CD's and I remember how big of a deal it was when CD's came out
but lately that has changed to before iPods. It is conversations like these
that make me realize that I have seen our world change so dramatically in just
a short period of time and how lucky I am to have witnessed all these advances.
This weekend I had the pleasure of hanging out with my little cousin who is
about to turn 12 for the whole weekend. I got to teach him how to make root
beer floats while we ate pizza, participate in a parade, go to the movies, cook
hot dogs and s'mores over a camp fire, play video games and make four different
types of cupcakes. Yes we did have a lot of sugar since that was the only way I
would be able to keep up with him. I really love the one on one time we got to
spend together. However, an interesting thing happened on the way from the car
to the movie theater. He out of nowhere turns to me and asked "Are you my
cousin?" I was taken aback for a moment and answered yes. I told him since
I had married his cousin that technically makes me his cousin. Then my curiosity
took over and it was my turn to ask the why question. He responded that he was
just trying to get clear because so many people call each other family when
there not or use the wrong title with family members.
This got me thinking
about the difference between the world we live in now compared to the one I had
grown up with in regards to what family means. When I grew up you family that
was related to you by blood, marriage or adoptions. If you came from a large
family sometimes it would take a while to name all of your relatives but
regardless it was simple to understand and wouldn't need much of a story to
explain relationships with others. In today’s world for most of us that
simplicity is gone and explaining relationships are very complicated. In our
society now we have a new grouping in the family category and for lack of a
defined term I will call this grouping the almost family. Almost family
members can be a very touchy subject as there are no commonly accepted
guidelines for who is included in this group. Being that is the case it is up
to each person to determine who is in this category and pursue a
relationship.
For example I have a
step-sister who got married two years ago. Her husband has two children and she
has a daughter all from previous relationships. My step-sisters daughter is my
niece by my mother’s marriage. Now that my sister is married does that make his
children my niece and nephew? I believe technically it does because of the marriage
but when they had gotten married I left it up to his children to decide. I am
happy to say I am now considered a favorite aunt by both of them. My full
brother got married and that gave me a sister-in-law. They had two children
together giving me two of the cutest nephews in the whole world. Shortly after
the birth of their second child they separated. After conversations with my
sister-in-law we decided that even though they would be getting divorced we
would still consider each other sisters for the rest of our lives. She has been
dating the same man for a few years now and he has four children from a
previous marriage. They live together, she has full custody of my nephews and
they share custody of his children 50/50. They are not married but live as if
they are and raise their children as if they are. Does this make his children
my nieces and nephews? There are no direct ties through blood or marriage.
Technically they are not my nieces and nephews but they could fall into the
almost family category. After meeting his children I felt it was best to let
them decide on the relationship but I would treat them as if they were my
family. After a little while of getting to know me they now consider me auntie
and I have added them to my family collection.
My family now consists
of the following three great grandparents, eleven grandparents, eight parents,
fourteen aunts & uncles, nine brothers & sisters, twelve nieces &
nephews and countless cousins. What is even more incredible than that is that I
have good relationships with 85% of them. Once I figured this out I asked
myself what it all meant. By an odd coincidence the answer came to me through
my cell phone. In one day I got phone calls from 10 of my family members. The
purpose of these calls ranged from I love you, I miss you, how are you doing,
can we get together, did I tell you what happened and I need to talk to
someone. At the end of the day I knew family can be complicated and ever
changing. Also and very oddly the old saying is right you don't get to choose
your family. The truth is they choose you. Not because you force your way into
their lives. Not because you are always around. Not because you feel entitled
and give them no choice.
Tonight I am thankful. I
have many wonderful people who have chosen me as their family. No matter how
complicated it may be to explain how we are related I will love each and every
one of them with all my heart as long as they let me.
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