Being A Mom

I have been watching an event unfold recently which reminded me today that I would be almost four months pregnant right now. On July 1st after a few weeks of not feeling quite myself I decided to take a pregnancy test out of fear. The fear wasn't about being pregnant because that is something I have wanted since the day I met my husband. The fear was that I might be having another ectopic pregnancy and the thought of going through that was unbearable. After gathering my strength I looked at the test which revealed I was indeed pregnant. It took only a moment but what seemed like a million thoughts passed through my mind cleared only momentarily by the one rational one which said go to the hospital. My mother and I went to the closest ER only five minutes away and checked in. After taking blood and doing scans the ER doctor came in to tell me the news. I was pregnant and there was something wrong but I would have to wait for the on call OBGYN to get there so he could determine to what extent. 

After that my mind wandered no matter how much people tried to distract me. I even let it go as far as thinking in six months or so I could be right back here getting ready to deliver our first child. Of course that just started the thoughts going. Maybe it would be okay and it was a tiny complication. Would we have a boy or a girl? I have heard there are viable ectopic pregnancies and I can find a way to work from bed if I have to. Will our baby have his eyes and my hair or his hair and my eyes? I finally stopped realizing I better not get too carried away because if bad news was coming this would make it even harder.

This OBGYN finally arrived and with the most caring bed side manner I ever experienced explained the situation. I was about three months pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, had a partial miscarriage about two weeks prior and the pregnancy which was in my left tube had ruptured about a week prior leaking fluid and causing me to bleed internally. Now this was very different than the ectopic pregnancy I experienced at 25 with which I had only been at best six weeks along and had not ruptured giving me the opportunity to treat it with a shot. This my doctor explained to me was not an option and I had to have emergency surgery. As my heart was breaking he was explaining the different things he may have to do to save me ranging from a simple incision to removing my whole left tube and ovary. I somehow was able to explain to him what was important to me which was never to have to go through another one of these but at the same time doing as much as we can to have a chance at having the baby my husband and I so desire. At that point I turned it over to him as the professional to do what he thought best during the surgery.

Within moments I was being prepped for surgery and very soon after that the last thing I remember is my nurse telling me his name. I woke up a few hours later in my own hospital room with my nurse explaining to me why I had to have a massaging bed and massagers on my legs (which is to prevent blood clots). I slept a very restless sleep and every time I had a coherent thought it was always that I couldn't imagine what my husband was going through. In the morning my surgeon came in to explain to me the same thing he explained to my mom the night before after my surgery. Both my tubes we almost fully connected to my ovaries, twisted like a pretzel and both had scar tissue in them. In a healthy woman the tubes are not connected, twisted and should be free of scar tissue. When he had seen this he decided rather than doing the simple fix which was all he had to do he actually did exactly what we had asked. He took the extra time and care to detach the tubes from the ovaries, untwist the tubes, clear away the scar tissue and remove the pregnancy through a small incision. This extra work he did gave us a chance in the future to have a baby where we had none before. 

Still even with the positive news of the future my heart continues to break from our loss. I have come to understand a few things from this. First and foremost the loss or potential loss of a child either born or still in your womb is by far the most painful and scariest experience a person can ever go through. I believe this is because the bond with your child begins far before he or she is born. It begins for the woman the moment she finds out it exists within her. A natural instinct to protect that child from the world kicks in that very moment and continues to grow as each second ticks by. 

So what does make a person a mother? Is it the act of giving birth? I doubt it because I know quite a few mothers that have never given birth. Is it planning birthday parties or taking pictures to make Christmas cards? I believe not. Is it calling yourself one because you go to the park or do arts and crafts? Not quite. 

Mothers are the person who teaches you that kisses make boo boos feel better. They make you cookies and milk after a hard day. They read to you every night until you can read then they let you read to them every night. They make dinner, while cleaning the house, playing a game with you, getting the clothes ready for tomorrow, doing the laundry and talking to grandma about weekend plans all at the same time. Mothers make the boogie man go away. They put you on time out when you don't share your toys. They make you do your homework again when you didn't do it right the first time. Most of all mothers are the ones that will always put your wellbeing above all else including their own needs. Mothers are all of these things and more all the while never asking for any kind of recognition from others. The only recognition a mother ever needs is her child giving her a big hug, a giggle and a kiss.

I am not yet a mother. At the moment only a good auntie. I have though had a taste of what motherhood will be like. I hope when that day comes I can be half the mom that some of the amazing moms I know are. So tonight my hat is off to all of you. If times are hard at the moment I know your strength will be the needed beacon of light. If times are good I know that you are creating memories that will live on forever through the stories of your children. Either way you are and always will be the greatest person to your child and a mother we can only hope to be like.