I have been watching an event unfold recently which reminded me
today that I would be almost four months pregnant right now. On July 1st after
a few weeks of not feeling quite myself I decided to take a pregnancy test out
of fear. The fear wasn't about being pregnant because that is something I have
wanted since the day I met my husband. The fear was that I might be having
another ectopic pregnancy and the thought of going through that was unbearable.
After gathering my strength I looked at the test which revealed I was indeed
pregnant. It took only a moment but what seemed like a million thoughts passed
through my mind cleared only momentarily by the one rational one which said go
to the hospital. My mother and I went to the closest ER only five minutes away
and checked in. After taking blood and doing scans the ER doctor came in to
tell me the news. I was pregnant and there was something wrong but I would have
to wait for the on call OBGYN to get there so he could determine to what
extent.
After that my mind
wandered no matter how much people tried to distract me. I even let it go as
far as thinking in six months or so I could be right back here getting ready to
deliver our first child. Of course that just started the thoughts going. Maybe
it would be okay and it was a tiny complication. Would we have a boy or a girl?
I have heard there are viable ectopic pregnancies and I can find a way to work
from bed if I have to. Will our baby have his eyes and my hair or his hair and
my eyes? I finally stopped realizing I better not get too carried away because
if bad news was coming this would make it even harder.
This OBGYN finally
arrived and with the most caring bed side manner I ever experienced explained
the situation. I was about three months pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, had
a partial miscarriage about two weeks prior and the pregnancy which was in my
left tube had ruptured about a week prior leaking fluid and causing me to bleed
internally. Now this was very different than the ectopic pregnancy I
experienced at 25 with which I had only been at best six weeks along and had
not ruptured giving me the opportunity to treat it with a shot. This my doctor
explained to me was not an option and I had to have emergency surgery. As my
heart was breaking he was explaining the different things he may have to do to
save me ranging from a simple incision to removing my whole left tube and
ovary. I somehow was able to explain to him what was important to me which was
never to have to go through another one of these but at the same time doing as
much as we can to have a chance at having the baby my husband and I so desire.
At that point I turned it over to him as the professional to do what he thought
best during the surgery.
Within moments I
was being prepped for surgery and very soon after that the last thing I
remember is my nurse telling me his name. I woke up a few hours later in my own
hospital room with my nurse explaining to me why I had to have a massaging bed
and massagers on my legs (which is to prevent blood clots). I slept a very
restless sleep and every time I had a coherent thought it was always that I
couldn't imagine what my husband was going through. In the morning my surgeon
came in to explain to me the same thing he explained to my mom the night before
after my surgery. Both my tubes we almost fully connected to my ovaries,
twisted like a pretzel and both had scar tissue in them. In a healthy woman the
tubes are not connected, twisted and should be free of scar tissue. When he had
seen this he decided rather than doing the simple fix which was all he had to
do he actually did exactly what we had asked. He took the extra time and care
to detach the tubes from the ovaries, untwist the tubes, clear away the scar
tissue and remove the pregnancy through a small incision. This extra work he
did gave us a chance in the future to have a baby where we had none
before.
Still even with
the positive news of the future my heart continues to break from our loss. I
have come to understand a few things from this. First and foremost the loss or
potential loss of a child either born or still in your womb is by far the most
painful and scariest experience a person can ever go through. I believe this is
because the bond with your child begins far before he or she is born. It begins
for the woman the moment she finds out it exists within her. A natural instinct
to protect that child from the world kicks in that very moment and continues to
grow as each second ticks by.
So what does make a
person a mother? Is it the act of giving birth? I doubt it because I know quite
a few mothers that have never given birth. Is it planning birthday parties or
taking pictures to make Christmas cards? I believe not. Is it calling yourself
one because you go to the park or do arts and crafts? Not quite.
Mothers are the
person who teaches you that kisses make boo boos feel better. They make you
cookies and milk after a hard day. They read to you every night until you can
read then they let you read to them every night. They make dinner, while
cleaning the house, playing a game with you, getting the clothes ready for
tomorrow, doing the laundry and talking to grandma about weekend plans all at
the same time. Mothers make the boogie man go away. They put you on time out
when you don't share your toys. They make you do your homework again when you
didn't do it right the first time. Most of all mothers are the ones that will
always put your wellbeing above all else including their own needs. Mothers are
all of these things and more all the while never asking for any kind of
recognition from others. The only recognition a mother ever needs is her child
giving her a big hug, a giggle and a kiss.
I am not yet a
mother. At the moment only a good auntie. I have though had a taste of what
motherhood will be like. I hope when that day comes I can be half the mom that
some of the amazing moms I know are. So tonight my hat is off to all of you. If
times are hard at the moment I know your strength will be the needed beacon of
light. If times are good I know that you are creating memories that will live
on forever through the stories of your children. Either way you are and always
will be the greatest person to your child and a mother we can only hope to be
like.
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