Being A Mom

I have been watching an event unfold recently which reminded me today that I would be almost four months pregnant right now. On July 1st after a few weeks of not feeling quite myself I decided to take a pregnancy test out of fear. The fear wasn't about being pregnant because that is something I have wanted since the day I met my husband. The fear was that I might be having another ectopic pregnancy and the thought of going through that was unbearable. After gathering my strength I looked at the test which revealed I was indeed pregnant. It took only a moment but what seemed like a million thoughts passed through my mind cleared only momentarily by the one rational one which said go to the hospital. My mother and I went to the closest ER only five minutes away and checked in. After taking blood and doing scans the ER doctor came in to tell me the news. I was pregnant and there was something wrong but I would have to wait for the on call OBGYN to get there so he could determine to what extent. 

After that my mind wandered no matter how much people tried to distract me. I even let it go as far as thinking in six months or so I could be right back here getting ready to deliver our first child. Of course that just started the thoughts going. Maybe it would be okay and it was a tiny complication. Would we have a boy or a girl? I have heard there are viable ectopic pregnancies and I can find a way to work from bed if I have to. Will our baby have his eyes and my hair or his hair and my eyes? I finally stopped realizing I better not get too carried away because if bad news was coming this would make it even harder.

This OBGYN finally arrived and with the most caring bed side manner I ever experienced explained the situation. I was about three months pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, had a partial miscarriage about two weeks prior and the pregnancy which was in my left tube had ruptured about a week prior leaking fluid and causing me to bleed internally. Now this was very different than the ectopic pregnancy I experienced at 25 with which I had only been at best six weeks along and had not ruptured giving me the opportunity to treat it with a shot. This my doctor explained to me was not an option and I had to have emergency surgery. As my heart was breaking he was explaining the different things he may have to do to save me ranging from a simple incision to removing my whole left tube and ovary. I somehow was able to explain to him what was important to me which was never to have to go through another one of these but at the same time doing as much as we can to have a chance at having the baby my husband and I so desire. At that point I turned it over to him as the professional to do what he thought best during the surgery.

Within moments I was being prepped for surgery and very soon after that the last thing I remember is my nurse telling me his name. I woke up a few hours later in my own hospital room with my nurse explaining to me why I had to have a massaging bed and massagers on my legs (which is to prevent blood clots). I slept a very restless sleep and every time I had a coherent thought it was always that I couldn't imagine what my husband was going through. In the morning my surgeon came in to explain to me the same thing he explained to my mom the night before after my surgery. Both my tubes we almost fully connected to my ovaries, twisted like a pretzel and both had scar tissue in them. In a healthy woman the tubes are not connected, twisted and should be free of scar tissue. When he had seen this he decided rather than doing the simple fix which was all he had to do he actually did exactly what we had asked. He took the extra time and care to detach the tubes from the ovaries, untwist the tubes, clear away the scar tissue and remove the pregnancy through a small incision. This extra work he did gave us a chance in the future to have a baby where we had none before. 

Still even with the positive news of the future my heart continues to break from our loss. I have come to understand a few things from this. First and foremost the loss or potential loss of a child either born or still in your womb is by far the most painful and scariest experience a person can ever go through. I believe this is because the bond with your child begins far before he or she is born. It begins for the woman the moment she finds out it exists within her. A natural instinct to protect that child from the world kicks in that very moment and continues to grow as each second ticks by. 

So what does make a person a mother? Is it the act of giving birth? I doubt it because I know quite a few mothers that have never given birth. Is it planning birthday parties or taking pictures to make Christmas cards? I believe not. Is it calling yourself one because you go to the park or do arts and crafts? Not quite. 

Mothers are the person who teaches you that kisses make boo boos feel better. They make you cookies and milk after a hard day. They read to you every night until you can read then they let you read to them every night. They make dinner, while cleaning the house, playing a game with you, getting the clothes ready for tomorrow, doing the laundry and talking to grandma about weekend plans all at the same time. Mothers make the boogie man go away. They put you on time out when you don't share your toys. They make you do your homework again when you didn't do it right the first time. Most of all mothers are the ones that will always put your wellbeing above all else including their own needs. Mothers are all of these things and more all the while never asking for any kind of recognition from others. The only recognition a mother ever needs is her child giving her a big hug, a giggle and a kiss.

I am not yet a mother. At the moment only a good auntie. I have though had a taste of what motherhood will be like. I hope when that day comes I can be half the mom that some of the amazing moms I know are. So tonight my hat is off to all of you. If times are hard at the moment I know your strength will be the needed beacon of light. If times are good I know that you are creating memories that will live on forever through the stories of your children. Either way you are and always will be the greatest person to your child and a mother we can only hope to be like.

What is family?

It is amazing how much can change over the course of 30 years. When my nieces and nephews as me what it was like when I grew up I babble on for a few moments before I notice they have no idea what I am talking about. I then try to explain things piece by piece but we usually get stuck on one thing because of all the who, what, when, where and why's. Goodness those "whys" get you don't they. I tell them I grew up before CD's and I remember how big of a deal it was when CD's came out but lately that has changed to before iPods. It is conversations like these that make me realize that I have seen our world change so dramatically in just a short period of time and how lucky I am to have witnessed all these advances. This weekend I had the pleasure of hanging out with my little cousin who is about to turn 12 for the whole weekend. I got to teach him how to make root beer floats while we ate pizza, participate in a parade, go to the movies, cook hot dogs and s'mores over a camp fire, play video games and make four different types of cupcakes. Yes we did have a lot of sugar since that was the only way I would be able to keep up with him. I really love the one on one time we got to spend together. However, an interesting thing happened on the way from the car to the movie theater. He out of nowhere turns to me and asked "Are you my cousin?" I was taken aback for a moment and answered yes. I told him since I had married his cousin that technically makes me his cousin. Then my curiosity took over and it was my turn to ask the why question. He responded that he was just trying to get clear because so many people call each other family when there not or use the wrong title with family members. 

This got me thinking about the difference between the world we live in now compared to the one I had grown up with in regards to what family means. When I grew up you family that was related to you by blood, marriage or adoptions. If you came from a large family sometimes it would take a while to name all of your relatives but regardless it was simple to understand and wouldn't need much of a story to explain relationships with others. In today’s world for most of us that simplicity is gone and explaining relationships are very complicated. In our society now we have a new grouping in the family category and for lack of a defined term I will call this grouping the almost family. Almost family members can be a very touchy subject as there are no commonly accepted guidelines for who is included in this group. Being that is the case it is up to each person to determine who is in this category and pursue a relationship. 

For example I have a step-sister who got married two years ago. Her husband has two children and she has a daughter all from previous relationships. My step-sisters daughter is my niece by my mother’s marriage. Now that my sister is married does that make his children my niece and nephew? I believe technically it does because of the marriage but when they had gotten married I left it up to his children to decide. I am happy to say I am now considered a favorite aunt by both of them. My full brother got married and that gave me a sister-in-law. They had two children together giving me two of the cutest nephews in the whole world. Shortly after the birth of their second child they separated. After conversations with my sister-in-law we decided that even though they would be getting divorced we would still consider each other sisters for the rest of our lives. She has been dating the same man for a few years now and he has four children from a previous marriage. They live together, she has full custody of my nephews and they share custody of his children 50/50. They are not married but live as if they are and raise their children as if they are. Does this make his children my nieces and nephews? There are no direct ties through blood or marriage. Technically they are not my nieces and nephews but they could fall into the almost family category. After meeting his children I felt it was best to let them decide on the relationship but I would treat them as if they were my family. After a little while of getting to know me they now consider me auntie and I have added them to my family collection.

My family now consists of the following three great grandparents, eleven grandparents, eight parents, fourteen aunts & uncles, nine brothers & sisters, twelve nieces & nephews and countless cousins. What is even more incredible than that is that I have good relationships with 85% of them. Once I figured this out I asked myself what it all meant. By an odd coincidence the answer came to me through my cell phone. In one day I got phone calls from 10 of my family members. The purpose of these calls ranged from I love you, I miss you, how are you doing, can we get together, did I tell you what happened and I need to talk to someone. At the end of the day I knew family can be complicated and ever changing. Also and very oddly the old saying is right you don't get to choose your family. The truth is they choose you. Not because you force your way into their lives. Not because you are always around. Not because you feel entitled and give them no choice. 

Tonight I am thankful. I have many wonderful people who have chosen me as their family. No matter how complicated it may be to explain how we are related I will love each and every one of them with all my heart as long as they let me. 

A Year In Review - 2010

I have always thought that keeping a journal would be difficult for me. Whenever I thought about starting one  the same image would always pop into my mind. There I would be sitting in front of a composition book, a blank look on my face and having no idea what to write. So for a very long time I decided to spare myself the pain of that image. Then today as I was laying in bed being bored on  Facebook I realized I had actually been keeping a journal. Mind you it was sneakily disguised as a popular form of social media but I had been doing it none the less. Since I was able to successfully update my world with three sentence posts and photos on a near daily basis I figured I could put in some actual work and keep a blog. My hope is that it helps other people, is a great record for my future children to get to know me but more than likely it will be a way for me to get things off my mind without seeming like a nut who talks to themselves. 

I decided that to start my adventure I wanted to review one of the best years of my life. I am finding that I am really bad at seeing the future. In January of 2010 had you asked me what I thought the year would be like I would have told you awful. I was convinced that turning 30 would be such an experience that it would overshadow anything good that would happen. By mid-year things were not going bad but there was nothing that stood out either. Then on a warm August day I went to work expecting a normal day and got exactly the opposite. 

Like most girls I had day dreamed my entire life about meeting prince charming and being swept off my feet. Also like most girls I thought that is how it would stay. Just a dream. Sitting at my computer I looked up and out of the corner of my eye saw the man of my dreams pass by the front desk and walk outside. I held my breath and watched him walk with one of my co-workers past my office window. When I finally was able to catch my breath I turned to my friend to find out who it was. Then by seemingly by chance (which I now know is actually fate) I found out the my dream guy was on his first day working with our company. A few minutes later my co-worker came and introduced me to Jay and when our eyes met for the first time I knew I found my soul mate.

We started dating about a week later and made it official on August 19, 2010 when I won his heart by cooking him dinner from scratch. He had told me the day before that the way to win his heart was through his stomach and I wanted his heart so bad that I put my heart in soul into the meal I cooked for that night. The most amazing thing in life is when you meet that person who you feel that you have known your entire life but at the same time every moment is brand new and exciting. My life seemed like it started that day and everyday after has been nothing less than a blessing and a miracle. 

2010 brought a lot of other fond memories. My sister Amie got married in August. If there was ever a person who you could confuse with an angel it would have been her that day. My two nephews Shaun and Seth turned 3 and 2 (respectively) that November and had so many fun sleep overs that my photo books don't have enough room. My brother Henry did some shows with his band Item 9. We had a huge pool day at my house with five of my nieces and nephews. Might I suggest if you ever try that to have two adults per child (kids have way too much energy). My beautiful niece Jewel turned 10 and had her family birthday party where Jay meet most of my family for the first time. In October Jay and I took my nephews and his cousin to a great family pumpkin patch where we spent most of the day chasing the kids around. Later that same night Jay and I went back alone to go through their haunted barn (a great excuse to grab his arm in fear). 

Then the infamous day came. My 30th birthday. It happened to be on a Friday and when I showed up for work the girls at the office had decorated my whole space with brightly colored items all with the number 30 on them. If I had wanted to lie about my age that was no longer an option but they made it all better by giving me a princess crown to wear. Mid-day the owner of the company came to take me to lunch and when we got to the restaurant a special birthday message was on the board and our menus. Finally when the day came to a close Jay told me he was taking me out to dinner. We got to the BBQ restaurant we had wanted to try for a long time the man I had fallen in love with seemed to be overtaken by some strange malady that caused him to sweat and stutter. When I asked him what was wrong he said it was a surprise. Moments later my mom and dad showed up for my surprise family dinner. The meal was great, company was great and presents were great. I think my favorite was a coffee cup that read "I'm not 30 I am 18 with 12 years of experience"! We had been seated by the kitchen but by the time dinner was over Jay looked like he had sweated out half his body weight. I thought he was sick so I wanted to go home and take care of him but when we walked in the house he grabbed me by the hand and pulled me to the balcony. As I started to question him he stopped me telling me there was something very important he had to say. Nervous, excited and confused I stood there looking into his eyes. He started by telling me that he never thought he would ever meet someone like me and I fulfilled every image of the perfect woman. To him I was his dream girl and he loved me with every fiber of his being. He then dropped to his knees pulling my left hand to him. With a shaking hand and an equally shaky voice he said the most amazing thing "Barbara would you make me the happiest man in the world making my dreams come true by being my wife?" I started to shake myself and with tears of joy in my eyes I said yes. Falling to my knees next to him he put the ring on my finger and we held each other crying and kissing while everything else in the world disappeared. 

As if meeting the man of my dreams, having a great year and being proposed to wasn't enough Jay had another surprise for me. He grabbed bags he had packed earlier in the day out of our room and took me to the car. After an almost two hour drive we wound up at a hotel right on the beach and yes he picked one with a fire place. We spent the weekend doing nothing but sightseeing, laughing, kissing and being in complete bliss. 

In wrapping up the year we decided to start our own Christmas tradition. Since family is an important part of our lives we found a way for us to both spend time with each of our families. Christmas Eve would be spent with his aunt, grandmother, mother, brother and little cousin (which included a super fun sleep over) and Christmas day would be at my mothers house with my massive family. It was a bit strange to be at his families house for Christmas Eve as I was still getting to know them and did hope they liked me even a little bit as much as Jay did. After a few hours of being nervous and walking on egg shells the ice broke. The rest of the day was incredible! Jay's mom made a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner of fondue (still one of the things I brag to people about my mother-in-law), we opened a few presents, played games and laughed so hard everyone's checks hurt. The next morning we woke up had Starbucks that Jay's grandmother brought, opened presents and took so many pictures I still don't think I have looked through them all. I was and still am thankful that I was blessed to have this experience with my in-laws that year. After that we went to my moms house and joined all twenty something of my family members that were there. Presents, food, hugs, laughter filled the remainder of the day. After eating till we were so full that even the sight of food made us cringe we went home. 

New Year's Eve came shortly after and can be summed up as such. We had been blessed with meeting each other, growing our families by deciding to join them, had love in our hearts and looked forward to the future.