Why does innocence get taken while the selfish get kindness?
Why do liars get praise while the caring get used?
Why do cheaters win and those who play fair sometimes lose?
How do you make sense of the senseless?
I have watched while people lie, act cruelly towards others, live a self-centered life and inflict as much pain on others as possible. I have watched while people took challenges head on, treated others with loving hearts, shared hope with the world and give without expecting. I have wished at times that Karma would act faster than it was but then realized that even the energy spent on the wish was too much energy to give. Right now my energy is not to be wasted on others who spend enough time thinking of themselves to make up for the rest of us. Right now all the energy I have I am spending trying to figure out how to be a rainbow in a cloud. Not just for a good friend who right now desperately needs a rainbow but to make this a permanent part of my authentic self. It has been a hard few days trying to make sense of the senseless.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
What's Important
Why is it that when we experience joy we desire to hold selfishly onto that feeling? Imagining all the while that we and we alone should be the only ones to experience such elation. Why also when we experience pain do we want to share that feeling? Believing all others should know such crushing emotions. I don't have the answers to these questions I just know that I have experienced both these things. I have been the one walking at my graduation ceremony, head held high, proud of my accomplishment and for a brief moment thinking that the ceremony was mine and mine alone to enjoy. I have been the one to loss a third child, screaming in my head that it is not fair as I was being taken to surgery. Breaking down inside wanting the whole world to cry with me. It is easy to want to hold onto good things and desire to give away the bad.
What I have found out recently is that it is a lot harder to give away good things and let go of the bad. Here is where it gets interesting though. No matter how much harder this view is to act on it really does feel better and may even make the world a better place for others. Letting go to the bad doesn't have to be hard either. It can be scary and lets be honest what kind of adventure would life be without a little nervousness about the unknown? I don't have to hold onto negative opinions there is room for second chances. I don't have to hold a grudge there are beautiful things my energy can be spent on. Best of all. I can share the joy I have felt with others.
What's important to me today? Letting go of the past. Giving a second chance to myself and others. Supporting others finding their joy like I found mine.
What I have found out recently is that it is a lot harder to give away good things and let go of the bad. Here is where it gets interesting though. No matter how much harder this view is to act on it really does feel better and may even make the world a better place for others. Letting go to the bad doesn't have to be hard either. It can be scary and lets be honest what kind of adventure would life be without a little nervousness about the unknown? I don't have to hold onto negative opinions there is room for second chances. I don't have to hold a grudge there are beautiful things my energy can be spent on. Best of all. I can share the joy I have felt with others.
What's important to me today? Letting go of the past. Giving a second chance to myself and others. Supporting others finding their joy like I found mine.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Halloween 2012: Decorating
Halloween 2012
Why yes I am. Thank you for noticing!
I love this time of year! The air turns crisper, leaves change colors, comfort food surround us and I get to have all the decorating fun I want. So here is my Halloween decorating fun for the year.
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| My bookcase pumpkins! |
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| Front of the family pumpkin. |
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| Back of family pumpkin. |
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| Have to have purple! |
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| Hubby's Duck pumpkin. |
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| Talking pumpkin. |
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| Gold dots. |
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| Pumpkin art. |
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| Butterfly pumpkin. |
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| Spider web pumpkin. |
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| Silver dot pumpkin. |
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| Fall flowers. |
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| Jack-O-Lanterns! |
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| There are spiders on our wall. |
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| Table setting. |
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| Enter at your own risk. |
Sunday, October 7, 2012
That Feeling - Friday
You know that feeling you get that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, your heart beat hard in your chest and causes you to look wildly around for danger? Most of us of us do. We call it the heebie-jeebies, chicken skin, jimjams, willies and a wide variety of creative names. It usually happens after we have watched a scary movie or are alone in a creepy place. Sometimes running into a certain type of person can bring it on. Normally it will pass almost as fast as it came on or at least that had been my experience. Until today.
Today started out for me like any other. I woke up after hitting the snooze button twice. Each time coming up with reasons to justify why sleeping just five more minutes was okay. Finally getting out of bed I walked groggily to the bathroom while carefully avoiding my happy and hyper dog running circles around my feet. As I got ready I complained to myself about not being able to carpool with Jay to work, thought about how tired I was from studying all night and I wished with all my heart it was actually Saturday and not Friday. After grabbing my purse, phone, checking for car keys and getting Puppie's attention I started walking down the hallway to the front door. That's when it started. That feeling. It started right at the back of my neck and went down through my spine. I felt like I was being watched even though I knew I was alone. My heart started racing right along with my mind. I glanced around the house just to make sure I was alone and walked very quickly to the front door overpowered by the need to get out of the house. Once outside I calmed down a bit, resumed walking at a normal pace and felt a slight relief. It was strange though because usually by this point other than the adrenaline everything returns to normal and I beat myself up mentally for being so silly and scaring myself. This time that didn't happen. That feeling was still there.
Driving to work like this was one of the more interesting things I have done. I kept looking over at other cars to make sure there were people in them, that they were not filled zombies and I would keep glancing at the sky for any anomalies Of course none of the scary images I made up in my head ever became reality but the uneasiness stayed a constant the whole way. I am pretty good at creating things in my head that can scare me I blame this mostly on my weekly need to watch horror movies, my obsession with reading anything by Stephen King and the fact that I never grew out of my wild imagination. Even knowing all these quirks about myself didn't bring any relief but I was now just a few minutes away from work and the thought of being around a bunch of people I knew gave me some hope. As I got off the freeway at my exit I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A black shadow which was somewhat human formed right on the side of the off ramp. It appeared that it was about to jump into traffic right in front of me. I pushed down on my brakes and blinked in amazement that this was about to happen. In the split second that it takes to blink the dark shadow disappeared. By this point I had enough of my mind playing dirty little tricks on me. I sat at the stop light catching my breath while wondering momentarily if I had gone crazy overnight. Finally I pulled myself together and told me in a very firm voice that I will not allow myself to play tricks on myself. Yeah that didn't sound crazy at all. Once the light finally turned green I made the remaining drive to work in a sort of forced peace. It felt really good when I pulled in the driveway and saw my co-workers cars and it felt even better when I saw Jay's car. Grabbing everything I needed for work I locked my car and started walking to the office. Half way to the front door a cold breeze shot up my spine and tussled my hair. I glanced around seeing no one which was a relief it was what I didn't see that scared the shit out of me. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky a rarity here in Portland. The other rarity was not a tree rustled because there had not been a single breeze all morning. Just as I figured this out it took everything inside me not to bolt to the door and then a deep voice whispered something inaudible in my ear. I started running heals and all, there was nothing that could have stopped me after that. Only when I was safety inside the building staring at a rather concerned looking Diane did I collect myself, smiled a brief oh well look at her and made my way to my desk. Once in the comfort of my little corner of the marketing department I took a minute to bring myself back to reality by convincing myself for what seemed like the 100th time that day it was nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Right then Jay popped around the coroner and seeing my husbands handsome face made everything seem a little safer. Even with the safety of my husband at my side, being in my little cube and surrounded by friendly co-workers it just wouldn't go away. That feeling.
Today started out for me like any other. I woke up after hitting the snooze button twice. Each time coming up with reasons to justify why sleeping just five more minutes was okay. Finally getting out of bed I walked groggily to the bathroom while carefully avoiding my happy and hyper dog running circles around my feet. As I got ready I complained to myself about not being able to carpool with Jay to work, thought about how tired I was from studying all night and I wished with all my heart it was actually Saturday and not Friday. After grabbing my purse, phone, checking for car keys and getting Puppie's attention I started walking down the hallway to the front door. That's when it started. That feeling. It started right at the back of my neck and went down through my spine. I felt like I was being watched even though I knew I was alone. My heart started racing right along with my mind. I glanced around the house just to make sure I was alone and walked very quickly to the front door overpowered by the need to get out of the house. Once outside I calmed down a bit, resumed walking at a normal pace and felt a slight relief. It was strange though because usually by this point other than the adrenaline everything returns to normal and I beat myself up mentally for being so silly and scaring myself. This time that didn't happen. That feeling was still there.
Driving to work like this was one of the more interesting things I have done. I kept looking over at other cars to make sure there were people in them, that they were not filled zombies and I would keep glancing at the sky for any anomalies Of course none of the scary images I made up in my head ever became reality but the uneasiness stayed a constant the whole way. I am pretty good at creating things in my head that can scare me I blame this mostly on my weekly need to watch horror movies, my obsession with reading anything by Stephen King and the fact that I never grew out of my wild imagination. Even knowing all these quirks about myself didn't bring any relief but I was now just a few minutes away from work and the thought of being around a bunch of people I knew gave me some hope. As I got off the freeway at my exit I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A black shadow which was somewhat human formed right on the side of the off ramp. It appeared that it was about to jump into traffic right in front of me. I pushed down on my brakes and blinked in amazement that this was about to happen. In the split second that it takes to blink the dark shadow disappeared. By this point I had enough of my mind playing dirty little tricks on me. I sat at the stop light catching my breath while wondering momentarily if I had gone crazy overnight. Finally I pulled myself together and told me in a very firm voice that I will not allow myself to play tricks on myself. Yeah that didn't sound crazy at all. Once the light finally turned green I made the remaining drive to work in a sort of forced peace. It felt really good when I pulled in the driveway and saw my co-workers cars and it felt even better when I saw Jay's car. Grabbing everything I needed for work I locked my car and started walking to the office. Half way to the front door a cold breeze shot up my spine and tussled my hair. I glanced around seeing no one which was a relief it was what I didn't see that scared the shit out of me. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky a rarity here in Portland. The other rarity was not a tree rustled because there had not been a single breeze all morning. Just as I figured this out it took everything inside me not to bolt to the door and then a deep voice whispered something inaudible in my ear. I started running heals and all, there was nothing that could have stopped me after that. Only when I was safety inside the building staring at a rather concerned looking Diane did I collect myself, smiled a brief oh well look at her and made my way to my desk. Once in the comfort of my little corner of the marketing department I took a minute to bring myself back to reality by convincing myself for what seemed like the 100th time that day it was nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Right then Jay popped around the coroner and seeing my husbands handsome face made everything seem a little safer. Even with the safety of my husband at my side, being in my little cube and surrounded by friendly co-workers it just wouldn't go away. That feeling.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Bucket List
Do you have a bucket list?
When asked this question some people will say yes and some say no. However, most whether they have one or not will have at least one thing they dream of doing in life. I have heard answers ranging from "I want to watch the sun come up over the ocean" to "have a million dollars". Whatever is wanted is what really speaks to the persons heath through their desires. I have played with the concept of a bucket list in my time and have had a few things added to my list throughout the years.
Most recently I have had the opportunity of being able to almost cross off one of my long standing items. On October 30th I get to see Dr. Maya Angelou speak here in Portland. She has been a source of inspiration for me since I was just eight years old. Her talents astound me, her life inspires me and her messages resonate strongly with me. When the opportunity presented itself (after I stopped jumping with glee) I told a few people that I was going to see her and could now cross this off my bucket list.
As I told more people this I started thinking about what was really on my list and questions started to arise. Is there anything that is on there I don't really want any more? Is there anything to add? Then one question really stuck in my mind. How many things have I done in my life that should have been on the list but until I had experienced them wouldn't have made it? Funny thing is that my so called bucket list is significantly shorter than my experiences list and really spoke to how thankful I should be about my life.
Bucket List
- Travel to Scotland
- Travel to Ireland
- Obtain my Ph.D.
- Write a book
- See Dr. Maya Angelou speak
- Meet Stephen King
- See Stephen Hawking speak
- Visit my tribes reservation (Blackfoot Tribe, Browning, Montana)
- Drive a Skyline in Japan
- Travel to Moscow
- See a show on Broadway
- Have a baby
Life Experiences
- Attended Space Camp
- Been through a tornado
- Swam with dolphins
- Petted a shark in my back yard
- Learned to surf
- Owned horses
- Learned vaulting (horses)
- Trained polo horses
- Learned martial arts
- Played with a jazz band at Disney Land
- Learned many musical instruments
- Guested with an orchestra
- Spent a summer in Alaska
- Learned how to ride a motorcycle
- Moved 4,000 miles from home
- Maintained a 4.0 GPA in college
- Visited the Grand Canyon
- Spent summers at Neverland Ranch
- Went to a Super Bowl
- Had my own bodyguard
- Lived in the music celebrity circle
- Worked at a medical research facility complete with onsite learning of biology, chemistry, microfluidics, imaging, and radiochemistry
- Hosted a gala
- Vacationed at posh resorts
- Had a Tiffany's jewelry collection
- Watched my brother graduate from boot camp
- Toured the Sears tower
- Rode a train through Chicago
- Watched my nephew be born
- Got married
- Went on a honeymoon
- Drove from LA to Portland
- Went to a few professional baseball games
- Sat court side at a professional basketball game
- Flown a plane
- Flown in a private jet
- Rode an elephant
- Worked as a professional model
- Seen the Harlem Globe Trotters
- Went to many musicals (Cats, Phantom, Les Mis, Porgy & Bess, etc)
- Been on a movie set
- Been on a music video set
- Participated in recording an album
- Sailed on boats both in lakes and ocean
- Visited 14 states
- Received a scholarship
- Learned to snowboard
- Been to a professional soccer game
- Made over $1,000,000 in my life
- Had a best friend for 24 years
There is more but once I hit 50 I got the point. You can plan your life, pursue your dreams and work hard towards your goals and desires. Every once and a while stop for a moment. Take a breath. Look back on your life and realize all the things you would have missed if you didn't let life just happen sometimes. For me, I thought I had always known what I wanted my life to look like but what I know now is that I am glad it didn't work out that way.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
For A Father
For A Father
The Life of the Child
There was once a time when you were in love with her mother.
With that love came honesty, respect, consideration and compassion.
You both put her first and it seemed there would be no better parents in the world.
Things looked really good for the life of the child.
Decisions were made so you could fulfill your dreams, making a better future for all.
Stress and confusion started making its way into your days.
Then came that moment where you held her for the first time and it all melted away.
Things still looked really good for the life of the child.
As time went by your feelings for her mother changed as sometimes happens in life.
With that change the love went away and with it the honesty, respect, consideration and compassion did too.
You went away to continue perusing your dreams and told yourself it was all for your little girl.
Things started looking just okay for the life of the child.
Very soon it seemed like you forgot about your little girl seeing her only when it was good for you.
You lived your life, saw your friends, always took your girlfriends side.
Time with your little girl started to take second place all the while you said it was for her sake.
Things started looking down for the life of the child.
As she grew there was no break from the problems that were created without care.
When she got excited to see you and have her daddy but that woman was always there.
You never seemed to make up your own mind or stand up for what was right.
Things continued looking down for the life of the child.
Did you stop once to think of what would happen when she grew up?
Did you know that all the trouble between you and her mother would cause her so much pain?
Did you still really believe that you were doing what was best for your little girl?
Things were really hard for the life of the child.
Things were really hard for the life of the child.
She did grow up and had to call another man dad.
She did grow up and had a father who put his dreams and new life first.
She did grow up and still tried to call when she was scared.
Things became bleak for the life of the child.
Your little girl only wanted you without all that senseless pain.
Your little girl needed your protection and you put money and arguing first.
Your little girl just wanted you to be a real dad.
Things stayed bleak for the life of the child.
Finally the day came when she woke up from her dream.
She knew who you really were and was no longer confused.
What helped her the most was knowing that there were those who had been there all along.
Things started looking up for the life of the child.
How did it feel when you were not there the day she was wed?
How did it feel when you were not there for the loss of her child?
How did it feel to watch her from afar as she went on with her life?
Things were good but strained for the life of the child.
Don't get me wrong there is always time for change.
Take a step back and look at it all from a place of forgiveness and grace.
Take a chance, seize the moment and take that first step.
All to make things great for the life of the child.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Lessons 101: Bullies
I have noticed more and more often that I am asked questions about the world from my 12 nieces and nephews. As I answer their questions, which range from simple to complicated I find the most valuable lesson is that I am learning something right along with them. So this is my first installment of capturing those lessons and share them with my family as needs arise.
Bullies
To bully by definition is to treat abusively or to affect by means of force or coercion. These are big words for most kids and truthfully some adults which tends to take away from the severity. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't need to be physical and most often it is not (this does not now or ever make it right). Most of the time abuse comes verbally and all the time it is psychological. To help explain the different forms abuse can take I had to take different approaches with my different nieces and nephews.
Recently I asked my four year old nephew how he would feel if I walk up and hit him for no reason. His response was something like this: I would be like grrr and turn green (like the Hulk) then hit you in the face! When I asked why he would feel like that he said because he wouldn't like it. Now that I had him hooked I explained that is why we don't hit people because they would feel the same. I thought that went over well and was pretty easy.
Then I had to explain to my 12 year old niece why we don't call people names. Figured out quickly this was not as easy as the physical one above. She is at the age where calling people names either directly or indirectly is just what you do. When I caught her and her friend talking about a third friend in a derogatory way I had to ask why. I was told it was because my nieces friend didn't like the other girl. Confused I asked why my niece was friends with her if she didn't like her. I was quickly corrected. Apparently my niece liked the girl but her friend didn't like the girl. This for some reason made it okay for my niece to call this third girl names. Pausing for a moment I thought back to my junior high days and remembered that this is how it was for me back then too. Sitting my niece down I took the same approach I used with my nephew and asked her how she would feel if I was nice to her then to her mom I called her a spoiled rotten brat. After telling me that I would never do that to her because she was my princess she answered that she would feel hurt, cry and probably not trust me anymore. Telling her that she was doing the same thing to this girl by being her friend and talking bad about her while she wasn't there. I know that stopped her from doing this at least for the night but now that I am writing this I wonder if it started up again after the memory of our conversation faded.
Finally a while ago I had to explain to my 18 year old niece about psychological abuse. She had come to me with one of those "I have this friend" questions. I was told about all types of situations. What I heard was girl flirts with boyfriend, girl makes fun indirectly within earshot, girl brags about self all the time using others as a baseline, girl spins the truth to others to make self look better and others look wrong, girl purposely says and does things to get reactions out of other and so on. At this point it was truly hard for me to contain myself because I knew that we were dealing with someone who was a permanent bully. I know that people can change I have seen it myself many times but until they do bullies are one of the worst and hardest people to deal with. I explained to my niece that it is much easier at this point to understand what the person is doing than to try to figure out why. What the person is doing is looking to manipulate situations in order to get the result they want regardless of how it may affect others. Why the person is doing it who really knows. They may have self-esteem issues, they may be unhappy with their life and want others to suffer too, they might be going through an intense power trip or they might just be an awful person. The why really won't help the situation because even if you happen to figure it out it will never make sense to you. If you can grasp the what then you can learn how to avoid it. This explanation seemed to help.
Oddly the pattern seems to be the younger kids learn that physical abuse is not okay they then graduate to verbal abuse. As a tween they learn verbal abuse is not okay and then they graduate to psychological abuse. There is where the difficult part is. There are people who as adults remain bullies. They live each day fueled by whatever drives them to cause havoc in other peoples lives without care of what damage they may be causing. It is hard as an adult to watch people like this but there are some things I have found helpful whenever I have come across these types of people and I want my nieces and nephews to know their options when they come across these people in their lives.
1. Make sure that you are not doing anything to provoke them. If you poke a sleeping bear it is sure to bite.
2. Distance yourself from them. You don't have to give up friends, family or move just make choices that put you in other places.
3. Don't pay attention to them. If you don't provide a reaction most of the time they will get bored and go away.
4. Make it clear to others that you don't want to be involved with the person or conversations about the person. It gives the person less ammo to use against you.
5. Be open minded and remember each person can change. Do base getting involved with a person again on their actions alone not what others tell you.
There are the rare occasions that you do all these things and the person still won't give up. In that case there is only one thing to do.
Completely remove the person from you life and make sure that you have sympathy in your heart for them. It is these people who life has cause the most harm and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who choose to hurt others to make their hearts hurt less and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who will never know true happiness and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who really have no life at all.
Bullies
To bully by definition is to treat abusively or to affect by means of force or coercion. These are big words for most kids and truthfully some adults which tends to take away from the severity. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't need to be physical and most often it is not (this does not now or ever make it right). Most of the time abuse comes verbally and all the time it is psychological. To help explain the different forms abuse can take I had to take different approaches with my different nieces and nephews.
Recently I asked my four year old nephew how he would feel if I walk up and hit him for no reason. His response was something like this: I would be like grrr and turn green (like the Hulk) then hit you in the face! When I asked why he would feel like that he said because he wouldn't like it. Now that I had him hooked I explained that is why we don't hit people because they would feel the same. I thought that went over well and was pretty easy.
Then I had to explain to my 12 year old niece why we don't call people names. Figured out quickly this was not as easy as the physical one above. She is at the age where calling people names either directly or indirectly is just what you do. When I caught her and her friend talking about a third friend in a derogatory way I had to ask why. I was told it was because my nieces friend didn't like the other girl. Confused I asked why my niece was friends with her if she didn't like her. I was quickly corrected. Apparently my niece liked the girl but her friend didn't like the girl. This for some reason made it okay for my niece to call this third girl names. Pausing for a moment I thought back to my junior high days and remembered that this is how it was for me back then too. Sitting my niece down I took the same approach I used with my nephew and asked her how she would feel if I was nice to her then to her mom I called her a spoiled rotten brat. After telling me that I would never do that to her because she was my princess she answered that she would feel hurt, cry and probably not trust me anymore. Telling her that she was doing the same thing to this girl by being her friend and talking bad about her while she wasn't there. I know that stopped her from doing this at least for the night but now that I am writing this I wonder if it started up again after the memory of our conversation faded.
Finally a while ago I had to explain to my 18 year old niece about psychological abuse. She had come to me with one of those "I have this friend" questions. I was told about all types of situations. What I heard was girl flirts with boyfriend, girl makes fun indirectly within earshot, girl brags about self all the time using others as a baseline, girl spins the truth to others to make self look better and others look wrong, girl purposely says and does things to get reactions out of other and so on. At this point it was truly hard for me to contain myself because I knew that we were dealing with someone who was a permanent bully. I know that people can change I have seen it myself many times but until they do bullies are one of the worst and hardest people to deal with. I explained to my niece that it is much easier at this point to understand what the person is doing than to try to figure out why. What the person is doing is looking to manipulate situations in order to get the result they want regardless of how it may affect others. Why the person is doing it who really knows. They may have self-esteem issues, they may be unhappy with their life and want others to suffer too, they might be going through an intense power trip or they might just be an awful person. The why really won't help the situation because even if you happen to figure it out it will never make sense to you. If you can grasp the what then you can learn how to avoid it. This explanation seemed to help.
Oddly the pattern seems to be the younger kids learn that physical abuse is not okay they then graduate to verbal abuse. As a tween they learn verbal abuse is not okay and then they graduate to psychological abuse. There is where the difficult part is. There are people who as adults remain bullies. They live each day fueled by whatever drives them to cause havoc in other peoples lives without care of what damage they may be causing. It is hard as an adult to watch people like this but there are some things I have found helpful whenever I have come across these types of people and I want my nieces and nephews to know their options when they come across these people in their lives.
1. Make sure that you are not doing anything to provoke them. If you poke a sleeping bear it is sure to bite.
2. Distance yourself from them. You don't have to give up friends, family or move just make choices that put you in other places.
3. Don't pay attention to them. If you don't provide a reaction most of the time they will get bored and go away.
4. Make it clear to others that you don't want to be involved with the person or conversations about the person. It gives the person less ammo to use against you.
5. Be open minded and remember each person can change. Do base getting involved with a person again on their actions alone not what others tell you.
There are the rare occasions that you do all these things and the person still won't give up. In that case there is only one thing to do.
Completely remove the person from you life and make sure that you have sympathy in your heart for them. It is these people who life has cause the most harm and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who choose to hurt others to make their hearts hurt less and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who will never know true happiness and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who really have no life at all.
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