Lessons 101: School

I did really well in high school. I got straight A's for the most part with a B here and there. I played in a number of bands. No, not the cool ones where you have groupies. Marching band, Jazz band and Wind Ensembles (yes the stories are true I did play the tuba). I did however get to go to Disneyland to perform with my Jazz band when I was in the tenth grade which for a band geek is super cool. Not to mention I was in State Select, guested with the state orchestra and was overall a band guru (in my eyes anyway). Once I got to my junior year I decided that having a social life was so much more important that anything school had to offer. I don't think I am much different than most people in that respect but I do look back and regret screwing up a full ride to Boston on a music scholarship. If any of you out there who are reading this are stuck in that awful state of existence where emotions, hormones, self-worth and social acceptance run rampant (aka high school) please heed my warning. Stay focused on school. I know it sounds redundant but take it from someone struggling to move up in their company in part because of a lack of education. Long story short I took the easy road. Partied with my friends, enjoyed the world around me and decided going into to the work force was better than going to class and doing homework! Once I woke up I started back to school. Only this time it wasn't a free ride to one of the best colleges in the country. Instead it was community college. Please don't get me wrong community college is a great option for many different reasons (too many to get into now) but it is harder at the same time. If you ever have played the game Life it is skipping college in the beginning and taking night classes when you get to the middle hoping to pull a new salary card higher than the one you got stuck with at the beginning. Skipping over the juicy details of my sordid life we find ourselves in the present and the reason for my post tonight. I am officially on a school break for the summer and am happy with the results of my spring semester. I was able to walk away with only two semesters left before my first college degree and my GPA is a 4.0! What is even better than that is my hubby who just started college after 10 years of being in school has a 3.4 GPA after two semesters. So here is today's lesson. Stop for one second before doing the stupid thing you think is a good idea. Imagine your life five years from this very moment. Think of all the cool things you want and want to do. Then ask yourself do you want to juggle having a full time job while going to school full time and supporting your family all while seeking the infamous thing known as sleep (that illusive thing others enjoy)? All of this while you work on your life 23 of the 24 hours a day? Or, do you want to dedicate yourself to school, enjoy the friends you make, the social events you are invited to, cruising through your classes and once in a lifetime experiences only college at the right time offers? Both roads lead to the same place. Just remember. One is packed with fun, love and experiences the other determination, road blocks and hardship. Either way work hard and do better than me because the end result is more than worth it!

Lessons 101: Self-Centered

To My Nieces:

You are the most amazing bunch of princesses an aunt could ever have. You are all so beautiful, talented and wonderfully unique. This comes from a friend telling me I was "other-centered" and as I am told by the same friend means the opposite of self-centered. I could get into a long conversation around that last sentence but we will save that for another time. As I have been watching you all grow and trying to take part in your lives as much as possible I have been proud of the character you all have. As we journey through life we run across many different types of people and sometimes we can become like them. So let me tell you about the self-centered person. 

Self-Centered Characteristics

• Puts themselves first
• Only caring about their own wants and needs
• Being unable to see another's perspective
• Being uncaring to others
• Lying or manipulating to get their own way or make things work out in their favor
• Are arrogant and will go to any measure to protect their self-image
• Their friendships are superficial and those who will feed their egos
• They devalue others and put them at a lesser position
• They blame others and do not take accountability
• They maximize their contributions and minimize that of others

In this there are two lessons. Do not become a self-centered person and do not get sucked in by a self-centered person. That type of person always has a void they are trying to fill but will never be able to. It would pain me to see you living life with a bottomless void or becoming the thing someone is using to try to fill theirs. A self-centered person will always hurt others to get what they want and it is not okay to hurt others or to be hurt by them. This in no way means judge others or live like a hermit in fear of turning out this way. Instead always take an assessment of yourself. Are you putting others before yourself (in a healthy way)? Are you keeping an open mind to the views of others? Are you taking responsibility for your own actions? Make sure you ask this of yourself constantly and on occasion look at your peers. At the end of the day you and you alone have to live with your actions and the actions of your peers that you condone.

Love You All,
Auntie Barbara

Lessons 101: Being A Dad

To My Nephews:

Although I have no experience being either a man or a parent there are a few things I know through both my own experiences as a daughter and watch the behaviors of others. It is with this knowledge I am able to share with you the following life lesson. It is my hope that all of you will be fathers on day and I know in my heart you will be great ones. There are just a few things I hope you keep in mind as you do.

1. It doesn't matter if your child is three or 30 when you are not there it makes a big impact. That means everything big and small. As a child grows older they understand that you are not able to make it all the time because they understand what life is. However, try to make it to as many of their extra curricular activities as possible. Make sure to do everything possible to make it to all the big events of their lives (graduation, weddings, the big award, etc.) the hole in the heart that gets left when you don't show up stays forever. Also chase your dreams but if your dreams take you far away from your children do your best to minimize the impact of them.

2. If you and their mother are not together don't put their mother down especially in front of them. Your relationship with their mother is your business don't make it theirs. Respect each other and do the best you can. This applies if you are together as well.

3. Don't put your children down or make them feel ashamed of themselves. Jokingly or not they look up to you and what you say matters. They will always remember the little things even if you forget them. Embarrassment or constant scolding (more than appropriate) will not only impact their self esteem but it will cause a separation between you that is hard to repair.

4. If you and their mother are not together don't force your new relationships on them. I encourage you to move on if the relationship with their mother didn't work but don't try to make your new girlfriend or wife their new mommy. Let the relationship develop on its own. Trying to force the new woman in your life on them might work at first but it can lead to resentment. They have a mother and trying to replace her with the new person you are with can create confusion and is disrespectful to the woman who is doing her best just like you to raise the child you created together. It is also important to remember in this situation that it is possible for your child to think you like your new girlfriend/wife and any family you may have with her more than you like them. Try your best not to do anything that lends credibility to this thought but don't let your child dictate your relationships. Yes I know easier said than done but I have faith in you guys.

5. Don't play favorites. If you have more than one child there will be points in life you are getting along better with one over the other. It is when you make decisions (conscious or unconscious) to always make a larger effort to do things for one of your children. It hurts when you always go to one child's extra curricular activities and your other child has to beg you to attend theirs. It hurts when one child gets everything they wanted for Christmas and the other child gets a random toy because you weren't paying attention. This doesn't end when they turn 18. Don't go to one child's wedding and not the other. Don't always go visit one child but make the other come to you. Try your best to call them both equally.

6. Love them no matter what path they choose in life. This does not mean condoning bad behavior. Tough love may be necessary but it is still a form of love. This means if they are gay and you don't approve find a way to talk about it and make sure they know that just because you don't approve doesn't mean you don't love them. If they have a hard path of addiction or criminal behavior you have to intervene (safely) and continue to hold them accountable but don't abandon them. If they change their behavior (truly change) it will be because you never left and always loved them even when it was hard. If they choose to follow a dream that you wouldn't do because it offers nothing better than a life of instability share with them your fears but support them along the way. Children want nothing more at any age than to have their parents love make sure you always have it there for them.

7. Don't ever miss an opportunity to do something fun with them. Special one on one father/child time is the stuff they will always remember so do it as often as possible. Don't let anyone try to invite themselves on your special time. It is yours, protect it. Act like a child with them even if it makes you look silly. This time will one day become a story that is told to others so make it a good one.

I know this doesn't cover everything but there is a lot you will have to learn on your own. I love you boys so much and I can't wait to see what life brings for you!

Love,
Auntie Barbara 

Lessons 101: Christmas

Here we are three days into December and that much closer to Christmas! Been doing a lot of fun stuff with family and the hubby. When I put all my pictures from my camera onto my computer I saw it was time for another Lessons post. So here we go.

Family Pictures

So here are the main things to remember when taking family pictures.

• Always plan for an extra hour (nothing ever happens on schedule)
• Ask everyone including adults to remember to put on their shoes (so many distractions, so little shoes)
• Take a few candid shots before you start (you always get the best smiles)
• Have a desired picture plan (if the person you are shooting has an idea use theirs it goes much better)
• When it is all done give everyone a hug (no matter how it went it is a memory for a lifetime)

Here are a few of the candid before shots.

 

Carter as the director.

  

Seth receiving instructions.

Shaun the ring leader.

Justin & Karsten acting cool.

Addressing an Envelope

It's the season for sending Christmas cards so here are the main points when you address an envelope.

• When addressing an envelope to a married couple there are a few different acceptable options: Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Jack & Jill Smith or The Smiths
• When addressing an envelope to a married couple with children the most acceptable option is The Smiths
• When addressing an envelope to a non-married couple there are a few different acceptable options: Jack Smith & Jill Jones, Jack S. & Jill J. or Jack & Jill
• When addressing an envelope to a non-married couple with children (theirs together or from a previous relationship there are a few options: Jack Smith, Jill Jones & Jane Smith, Jack S., Jill J. and Jane S. or Jack, Jill & Jane

Here are a few examples on how to properly address an envelope.

The wrong way (as we are a legally married couple)

The right way (as we are a legally married couple)

Create Your Own Traditions

The best part of the holidays is when you get to create your own traditions. Some stick and others are fun when they happen. Here is our new tradition for this year.

• Get a thick ribbon that matches the colors you have in your home.
• Hang it across on opening (see below) 

• Get two candy canes and some thin shiny ribbon.
• Match the candy canes together in the shape of a hear and tie it together leaving enough string to tie to the ribbon you hung earlier.

• Tie the heart to the ribbon you hung earlier and do a new heart everyday until Christmas.

Decorations, Presents and Dogs

• No Christmas in my house would be complete without decorating a little every day (here are some from today)

• No matter how early you shop presents will continue to arrive for a long time after. Make sure to have enough wrapping paper and have fun with it.

• Finally Puppie needs to participate in every event. Don't expect much beyond a motivating smile from her. Sometimes that is all you need though.

Happy Holidays! Check back soon for more!

Lessons 101: Bullies

I have noticed more and more often that I am asked questions about the world from my 12 nieces and nephews. As I answer their questions, which range from simple to complicated I find the most valuable lesson is that I am learning something right along with them. So this is my first installment of capturing those lessons and share them with my family as needs arise.

Bullies
To bully by definition is to treat abusively or to affect by means of force or coercion. These are big words for most kids and truthfully some adults which tends to take away from the severity. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't need to be physical and most often it is not (this does not now or ever make it right). Most of the time abuse comes verbally and all the time it is psychological. To help explain the different forms abuse can take I had to take different approaches with my different nieces and nephews.
Recently I asked my four year old nephew how he would feel if I walk up and hit him for no reason. His response was something like this: I would be like grrr and turn green (like the Hulk) then hit you in the face! When I asked why he would feel like that he said because he wouldn't like it. Now that I had him hooked I explained that is why we don't hit people because they would feel the same. I thought that went over well and was pretty easy.
Then I had to explain to my 12 year old niece why we don't call people names. Figured out quickly this was not as easy as the physical one above. She is at the age where calling people names either directly or indirectly is just what you do. When I caught her and her friend talking about a third friend in a derogatory way I had to ask why. I was told it was because my nieces friend didn't like the other girl. Confused I asked why my niece was friends with her if she didn't like her. I was quickly corrected. Apparently my niece liked the girl but her friend didn't like the girl. This for some reason made it okay for my niece to call this third girl names. Pausing for a moment I thought back to my junior high days and remembered that this is how it was for me back then too. Sitting my niece down I took the same approach I used with my nephew and asked her how she would feel if I was nice to her then to her mom I called her a spoiled rotten brat. After telling me that I would never do that to her because she was my princess she answered that she would feel hurt, cry and probably not trust me anymore. Telling her that she was doing the same thing to this girl by being her friend and talking bad about her while she wasn't there. I know that stopped her from doing this at least for the night but now that I am writing this I wonder if it started up again after the memory of our conversation faded.
Finally a while ago I had to explain to my 18 year old niece about psychological abuse. She had come to me with one of those "I have this friend" questions. I was told about all types of situations. What I heard was girl flirts with boyfriend, girl makes fun indirectly within earshot, girl brags about self all the time using others as a baseline, girl spins the truth to others to make self look better and others look wrong, girl purposely says and does things to get reactions out of other and so on. At this point it was truly hard for me to contain myself because I knew that we were dealing with someone who was a permanent bully. I know that people can change I have seen it myself many times but until they do bullies are one of the worst and hardest people to deal with. I explained to my niece that it is much easier at this point to understand what the person is doing than to try to figure out why. What the person is doing is looking to manipulate situations in order to get the result they want regardless of how it may affect others. Why the person is doing it who really knows. They may have self-esteem issues, they may be unhappy with their life and want others to suffer too, they might be going through an intense power trip or they might just be an awful person. The why really won't help the situation because even if you happen to figure it out it will never make sense to you. If you can grasp the what then you can learn how to avoid it. This explanation seemed to help.
Oddly the pattern seems to be the younger kids learn that physical abuse is not okay they then graduate to verbal abuse. As a tween they learn verbal abuse is not okay and then they graduate to psychological abuse. There is where the difficult part is. There are people who as adults remain bullies. They live each day fueled by whatever drives them to cause havoc in other peoples lives without care of what damage they may be causing. It is hard as an adult to watch people like this but there are some things I have found helpful whenever I have come across these types of people and I want my nieces and nephews to know their options when they come across these people in their lives.

1. Make sure that you are not doing anything to provoke them. If you poke a sleeping bear it is sure to bite.
2. Distance yourself from them. You don't have to give up friends, family or move just make choices that put you in other places.
3. Don't pay attention to them. If you don't provide a reaction most of the time they will get bored and go away.
4. Make it clear to others that you don't want to be involved with the person or conversations about the person. It gives the person less ammo to use against you.
5. Be open minded and remember each person can change. Do base getting involved with a person again on their actions alone not what others tell you.

There are the rare occasions that you do all these things and the person still won't give up. In that case there is only one thing to do.

Completely remove the person from you life and make sure that you have sympathy in your heart for them. It is these people who life has cause the most harm and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who choose to hurt others to make their hearts hurt less and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who will never know true happiness and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who really have no life at all.