For A Father

For A Father

The Life of the Child

There was once a time when you were in love with her mother.

With that love came honesty, respect, consideration and compassion.

You both put her first and it seemed there would be no better parents in the world.

Things looked really good for the life of the child.

Decisions were made so you could fulfill your dreams, making a better future for all.

Stress and confusion started making its way into your days.

Then came that moment where you held her for the first time and it all melted away.

Things still looked really good for the life of the child.

As time went by your feelings for her mother changed as sometimes happens in life.

With that change the love went away and with it the honesty, respect, consideration and compassion did too.

You went away to continue perusing your dreams and told yourself it was all for your little girl.

Things started looking just okay for the life of the child.

Very soon it seemed like you forgot about your little girl seeing her only when it was good for you.

You lived your life, saw your friends, always took your girlfriends side.

Time with your little girl started to take second place all the while you said it was for her sake.

Things started looking down for the life of the child.

As she grew there was no break from the problems that were created without care.

When she got excited to see you and have her daddy but that woman was always there.

You never seemed to make up your own mind or stand up for what was right.

Things continued looking down for the life of the child.

Did you stop once to think of what would happen when she grew up?

Did you know that all the trouble between you and her mother would cause her so much pain?

Did you still really believe that you were doing what was best for your little girl?
Things were really hard for the life of the child.

She did grow up and had to call another man dad.

She did grow up and had a father who put his dreams and new life first.

She did grow up and still tried to call when she was scared.

Things became bleak for the life of the child.

Your little girl only wanted you without all that senseless pain.

Your little girl needed your protection and you put money and arguing first.

Your little girl just wanted you to be a real dad.

Things stayed bleak for the life of the child.

Finally the day came when she woke up from her dream.

She knew who you really were and was no longer confused.

What helped her the most was knowing that there were those who had been there all along.

Things started looking up for the life of the child.

How did it feel when you were not there the day she was wed?

How did it feel when you were not there for the loss of her child?

How did it feel to watch her from afar as she went on with her life?

Things were good but strained for the life of the child.

Don't get me wrong there is always time for change.

Take a step back and look at it all from a place of forgiveness and grace.

Take a chance, seize the moment and take that first step.

All to make things great for the life of the child.

Lessons 101: Bullies

I have noticed more and more often that I am asked questions about the world from my 12 nieces and nephews. As I answer their questions, which range from simple to complicated I find the most valuable lesson is that I am learning something right along with them. So this is my first installment of capturing those lessons and share them with my family as needs arise.

Bullies
To bully by definition is to treat abusively or to affect by means of force or coercion. These are big words for most kids and truthfully some adults which tends to take away from the severity. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't need to be physical and most often it is not (this does not now or ever make it right). Most of the time abuse comes verbally and all the time it is psychological. To help explain the different forms abuse can take I had to take different approaches with my different nieces and nephews.
Recently I asked my four year old nephew how he would feel if I walk up and hit him for no reason. His response was something like this: I would be like grrr and turn green (like the Hulk) then hit you in the face! When I asked why he would feel like that he said because he wouldn't like it. Now that I had him hooked I explained that is why we don't hit people because they would feel the same. I thought that went over well and was pretty easy.
Then I had to explain to my 12 year old niece why we don't call people names. Figured out quickly this was not as easy as the physical one above. She is at the age where calling people names either directly or indirectly is just what you do. When I caught her and her friend talking about a third friend in a derogatory way I had to ask why. I was told it was because my nieces friend didn't like the other girl. Confused I asked why my niece was friends with her if she didn't like her. I was quickly corrected. Apparently my niece liked the girl but her friend didn't like the girl. This for some reason made it okay for my niece to call this third girl names. Pausing for a moment I thought back to my junior high days and remembered that this is how it was for me back then too. Sitting my niece down I took the same approach I used with my nephew and asked her how she would feel if I was nice to her then to her mom I called her a spoiled rotten brat. After telling me that I would never do that to her because she was my princess she answered that she would feel hurt, cry and probably not trust me anymore. Telling her that she was doing the same thing to this girl by being her friend and talking bad about her while she wasn't there. I know that stopped her from doing this at least for the night but now that I am writing this I wonder if it started up again after the memory of our conversation faded.
Finally a while ago I had to explain to my 18 year old niece about psychological abuse. She had come to me with one of those "I have this friend" questions. I was told about all types of situations. What I heard was girl flirts with boyfriend, girl makes fun indirectly within earshot, girl brags about self all the time using others as a baseline, girl spins the truth to others to make self look better and others look wrong, girl purposely says and does things to get reactions out of other and so on. At this point it was truly hard for me to contain myself because I knew that we were dealing with someone who was a permanent bully. I know that people can change I have seen it myself many times but until they do bullies are one of the worst and hardest people to deal with. I explained to my niece that it is much easier at this point to understand what the person is doing than to try to figure out why. What the person is doing is looking to manipulate situations in order to get the result they want regardless of how it may affect others. Why the person is doing it who really knows. They may have self-esteem issues, they may be unhappy with their life and want others to suffer too, they might be going through an intense power trip or they might just be an awful person. The why really won't help the situation because even if you happen to figure it out it will never make sense to you. If you can grasp the what then you can learn how to avoid it. This explanation seemed to help.
Oddly the pattern seems to be the younger kids learn that physical abuse is not okay they then graduate to verbal abuse. As a tween they learn verbal abuse is not okay and then they graduate to psychological abuse. There is where the difficult part is. There are people who as adults remain bullies. They live each day fueled by whatever drives them to cause havoc in other peoples lives without care of what damage they may be causing. It is hard as an adult to watch people like this but there are some things I have found helpful whenever I have come across these types of people and I want my nieces and nephews to know their options when they come across these people in their lives.

1. Make sure that you are not doing anything to provoke them. If you poke a sleeping bear it is sure to bite.
2. Distance yourself from them. You don't have to give up friends, family or move just make choices that put you in other places.
3. Don't pay attention to them. If you don't provide a reaction most of the time they will get bored and go away.
4. Make it clear to others that you don't want to be involved with the person or conversations about the person. It gives the person less ammo to use against you.
5. Be open minded and remember each person can change. Do base getting involved with a person again on their actions alone not what others tell you.

There are the rare occasions that you do all these things and the person still won't give up. In that case there is only one thing to do.

Completely remove the person from you life and make sure that you have sympathy in your heart for them. It is these people who life has cause the most harm and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who choose to hurt others to make their hearts hurt less and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who will never know true happiness and you should feel sorry for them. It is these people who really have no life at all.